Peanut Butter and Gumballs

Washed.

2010-09-01T09:02:00.002-04:00

Ok. So, this might come as a shock…it might not. This has been something I’ve struggled with for quite some time. However, as a result of my sin and pride, this struggle has been something I’ve refused to recognize, deal with, and especially talk about to anyone. For the past few years (but specifically the past few months) I’ve struggled with the idea of the undeserved grace of God, having to earn my salvation, and even earn God’s love and grace in my life. I don’t want to blame it on my background or how I was raised in a “Catholic” home but I know those factors can be influential when it comes to a person’s faith. However, I’ve heard the gospel countless times, been through Bible studies, been involved in an evangelical church, and even majored in “Christian Studies” at NGU. Following Christ and surrendering to the Lord is a choice and it is a choice we make not only once in our lives but every day, every decision, every moment. Of course we’re going to screw up. We always have and we always will.

Ephesians 2:1-10 and Romans 3:9-26 have been two of the main scripture passages that I have clung to through this battle. For so long I thought that good works were my way to the Lord and a way I could earn God’s partiality on my life. Number one, God doesn’t show partiality and number two, God’s grace and love is definitely not something that anyone can earn. “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this isnot your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works,so that no one may boast. Forwe are his workmanship,created in Christ Jesusfor good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” (Ephesians 2:8-10) We don’t earn God’s grace by our works but because of God’s grace in our lives, we are equipped to do good works for His glory. I used to quote all of this and speak this like I had believed it for years. That was a lie. Now, that has changed.

I have been involved with a wonderful Sunday school class and small group at Richland Creek Community Church and have been blessed with amazing folks to teach me, correct me, and love me. My small group leaders, Currie and Suzanne Tilley, have played a major influence in my life since I’ve been at Southeastern. They have provided hospitality, love, instruction, and great memories for me and pretty much everyone they come in contact with. They truly radiate Christ and display what it means to follow the Lord. I have been able to come to them for anything and this struggle being one of those times they have helped me most. They shared Truth with me, encouraged me, and most importantly, prayed for me.

I share all this to let you know that last Sunday, August 22, I surrendered my life to the Lord in a way I never have before. The Lord has been pursuing me for years and now I have finally accepted God’s grace and love and surrendered to Christ as Lord of my life. I no longer live for myself. I live for Him and His glory. I am going to be baptized this coming Sunday night at Richland Creek’s lake baptism and I feel honored that Currie will be the one to baptize me with Suzanne right there beside him. I thought that this journey would be really hard, almost embarrassing, to share with people because of where I am in life but the Lord has given me such courage and boldness to share the amazing work He’s done in my life. Some people may think less of me or judge me because I was so involved with church, youth group, missions, and I just started my second year of seminary, or as some people like to call it, “Bible college” but this is my story and I am not ashamed of the Lord, therefore, I’m not ashamed to tell my story. “I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.” (Galatians 2:20)

Surrender.

2010-06-18T12:56:00.003-04:00

I have battled with posting this for quite a while now (almost 2 months). But then I realized I just need to do it…for myself, for anyone else who happens to stumble upon it, etc. I get frustrated when I feel like people aren’t being honest with me and when I feel like people can’t tell me things so here goes. Here’s my attempt at being open and honest.

I’m tired. I’m so tired. I don’t have anything to complain about, really. Life is good. Actually, life is amazing. I’m not needing or wanting for anything, I have two/three jobs, school is paid for, I have clothes, a car, a place to live, friends and family who encourage me and spend time with me, an awesome church to be involved in…I seem to have it all together, right? I have everything I could ever want or need. That could be the problem. Sacrifice.

Last semester, I didn’t really want to be here. Well, I did but I couldn’t get used to the idea of living here. Also, I didn’t know or understand why I was here…(maybe I still don’t). It was a big change that I had to adjust to. It was my first move away from home so that was just intimidating. I’m used to it now. More than that, I love it here. Of course I miss some folks in G’ville and I still love G’ville but I’m here and this is where I want to be now.

Seminary is hard. When I make that statement, I don’t necessarily mean the academic part of seminary is hard. It’s the balancing of life and relationships with seminary academics that is hard. A dear friend of mine from G’ville warned me about this before I moved here. She said to be sure not to let academics get in the way of my real relationship with Christ. Well, I fear that has happened and it has happened quietly and slowly and in the worst way possible and maybe it has been happening for quite some time. I’m burned out. I’m tired. I’m almost emotionless. Numb, even. I study the Bible day in and day out. That’s what seminary is. But maybe I missed the point. We study about church, church politics, money, scripture, Baptist history, mission strategies, etc. We read book after book about Jesus and Paul and missionaries and pastors and Piper…it’s getting old. Why?

But I can’t blame it all on seminary. It all stems from a heart problem that I have continually refused to recognize and deal with before I came here. Pride caused that. I made myself numb. I don’t know Jesus. I don’t trust Jesus. I don’t love Jesus like I thought I did. I know ABOUT Jesus. I trust what I hear ABOUT Jesus. I love what I know ABOUT Jesus. But my actual relationship is essentially non-existent. I feel like amongst all my bumper stickers on my car, I should have one that says, “Jesus was a cool guy.” This is HARD to admit, hard to accept, and even harder to share with everyone else. I tend to keep things quiet and to myself unless someone really seems interested in asking but I can’t keep this quiet any longer. I need a renewal or better yet, a surrendering. I’ve simply learned to be accommodating.

I was SO ready to go overseas with the IMB and serve as a missionary. Who was I kidding? God didn’t allow that to happen and now, looking back, I am forever grateful that God’s plans, wisdom, and knowledge are greater than mine ever will be. He knew I wasn’t ready, knew I wasn’t trusting Him. I trusted myself and everyone else except Him. I’m idolatrous. Everything else in my life will be put before God.

I was talking to a good friend of mine recently and we were discussing prayer. I became brutally honest with her and told her that prayer is usually my last resort instead of the thing I cling to first, especially when it comes to my own life. If I can’t fix it, then I’ll resort to God. And then if and when I decide to do that, I’m still doubtful if it will even help anything. That is so messed up. Idolatrous. Sinful. Human. Prideful. But when it comes to others, I’ll fervently pray for them with the greatest expectations that the Spirit will do something miraculous. Strange.

Update since I actually wrote this post:

I’m still fighting this internal battle but prayer is becoming richer, more consistent…time in the Word has increased and not just for the sake of telling someone I did it, ya know? I’m still struggling with the whole idea of surrender. It means giving up control, control that I may or may not even have right now but it’s nice to think that I do. I feel that once my stubbornness is diminished and I relinquish control, these other things will fall into place. We’ll see. There is so much I don’t understand and one of those things is that I don’t have to understand everything. Ironic.

I know most of this might seem like jibberish and may not flow or make any sense but I was just typing as the thoughts came to my head. That was the only way I could write this. It may not seem like a big deal, but to me, this is everything right now. An eternal relationship is a big deal, a sweet surrendering is a big deal, prayer and belief in that prayer is a big deal, not just going through the motions is a big deal…

If you’re someone who believes in the power of prayer, then I’m asking for yours.

"Few souls understand what God would accomplish in them if they were to abandon themselves unreservedly to Him and if they were to allow His grace to mould them accordingly." -Ignatius

Homeless and Heartbroken

2009-07-18T21:02:00.003-04:00

A recent entry in my written journal I wanted to share:

So, I'm leaving in 8 hours (5am) to go to New Orleans on a mission trip with my church's youth group. I guess I'm a chaperone...if you could call me that. As I was thinking about all the people I might come in contact with and what I could possibly say to them, I was waiting on my clothes to dry. I was packing my bathroom bag. I was trying to find matching sheets to take to make my bed in the dorm I'll be staying in for a week. I was making a list of things I might need to pick-up last minute at Wal-Mart. I was texting my mom asking her to put some money in my bank account in case I might need something and to pay for meals on the way down to New Orleans and back. I was making sure I had some laundry detergent and quarters to wash clothes if mine got too nasty. I was trying my best to cram all my crap into my suitcase.

Really? Wow. How spoiled and ungrateful am I? We were packing gallon-sized ZipLoc bags to pass out to the homeless of New Orleans and each one contained these items: toothbrush, toothpaste, washcloth, soap, deodorant, vienna sausages, crackers, and a bottle of water. That's it. That's all they are going to get. And those are life necessities. I have so much STUFF. My family has so much stuff. Two houses, four cars, a boat, a timeshare, retirement funds, stocks, insurance, etc, etc...Why? I know some people just have better luck than others but why us? Why my parents? Why can I just ask my mom for $100 for crap I might or might not need and some people won't see $100 in their life? I don't like to think that I'm selfish but maybe I am. Maybe I can give more. No, I KNOW I can give more. That's no question. The real question is: Will I do it? I'm hoping this week will be the final nudge to push me over the edge; to knock me down onto my face.

Will I do it?

"I Hope You Had The Time Of Your Life..."

2009-05-07T01:47:00.015-04:00

So, it's graduation day...from college. Whoa. It really hasn't sunk in yet. I think it started to tonight when I was watching a video that Britnie made for Brett. It hit me. It's over. It's really over. I have decisions to make. BIG decisions. I said I wasn't going to cry today. I'm not surethat will happen anymore. Anyway, I'm so thankful for these last four years. Some days, it seemed like this day would never come...other times, I look back and think these four years have gone by so fast. Too fast. I wanted them to hurry up. Now I want them to slow back down. I look back and see things I should have done (and things I shouldn't have), things I should have said (and things I shouldn't have), people I should have talked to and hung out with. But I don't want to look back with regrets. I want to look back with joy and laughter and know I was where I was supposed to be in this time of my life.

As much as I complain about NGU, I'm thankful for this school. Who knows where I would be, what I would be like, what kind of friends I would have if it weren't for NGU. I used to think that maybe I sometimes missed out on the "real college experience" because I went to a goody-goody Christian school. But now I look back and think, at least I can remember all my memories and I didn't wake up in some random place with no recollection of how I got there or the night before. Anyway, it's late. Or early. I'm not thinking clearly. I'm just rambling.

I want to do Journeyman. I don't want to keep going to school anymore. It changes each day. Crap. I love America. I sometimes dislike America a whole bunch. Crap. I'm sitting here on Brett's futon and Britnie is here, too, reading this supposedly awesome book called, "In A Pit With A Lion On A Snowy Day." I realize this won't happen many more times after this. But it's not all bad. I have a chance to do something great. WIth nothing. Nothing that I have. Nothing that I can do. Only what God will have me to do...for Him. I'm starting to think seminary is not part of that plan right now. I'm starting to think America is not of that plan right now. But comfort. It's all comfort. Security blankets. They're great...when you're young and when you don't have great opportunities. I'm trying to convince myself, do you see?

Oh it's late. I have lots more to say...but no more energy. Sorry.

Take This Personality Profile Quiz Thing...

2009-04-01T16:28:00.001-04:00

http://test.personality-project.org/

Here are my scores (if you are interested)

http://test.personality-project.org/survey/yourscores.php?G=2&Y=21&A=5.7&O=4&E=4.1&S=3.1&C=4&M=0

Love you.

Ridiculous

2009-03-30T21:47:00.002-04:00

Warning: This is a blog about ME. (selfishness to the max) I just needed to write.

So, it has been a ridiculously long time since I've written a blog. I guess I feel if nothing drastic or major is happening, I don't need to write because who is going to care? Well, oh well. I wanted to write a new one. I guess a lot of stuff has happened since the last post. My feelings about LOVE have not changed. In fact, they have grown and I wish "LOVE" could be a major in college or grad school.

I've helped lead two Disciple-Now weekends, went to a "LIVE LOVE" conference hosted by StudentLife that was absolutely amazing, went on a college retreat with incredibly incredible people, and today, sent off my first application for scholarships to grad school-Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary to be specific. Who knows what God will have me study if I go there but I'm excited! (www.sebts.edu)

I have very mixed emotions and I won't blame them on being female. I'm just an incredibly emotional person. I cry at Extreme Makeover-Home Edition and I cry when I laugh too hard. I think that's a good thing. I have self-diagnosed myself with "SAD"-Seasonal Affective Disorder. (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/seasonal-affective-disorder/DS00195) It makes sense with me. Although I love the cold weather (sometimes), winter is usually not my friend. Anyway, despite that, I'm just emotional. I cry when other people cry, I laugh when other people laugh, I hurt when others hurt, and I rejoice when others rejoice. So, what's wrong with that? Some people think it's mood swings like bi-polar or something but I just think it's so I can connect with others more easily or they can connect with me. Is that weird? I'm just emotional...not dramatic. Emotional.

I think I'm changing a lot. I used to think that I was independent and didn't really need anybody but day after day I would prove myself wrong. I was really clingy, attached, and got upset when I thought people didn't want to hang out with me. I took things WAY too personally. Recently, that hasn't been such an issue. I really hope this stays like this. I mean, it's not completely gone away (my clinginess and attachment issues and stuff) I know I need people but I don't want to fully depend on them...because I know I can't. There's only One who I can depend on and I'm truly hoping and praying that this is His way of helping me realize and accept this truth. If I do move somewhere where I don't know anyone, I'll need all of Him that I can get.

Graduation is in 37 days. Whoa. Speaking of mixed emotions, I'm ecstatic and sad. I'll miss not having as many responsibilities and being able to take random road trips and late night at Denny's and hanging out and talking to Jenny and other friends. I'll miss my friends...alot. Especially the ones that are going off and gettin' hitched. That'll be completely different. I know their spouses and they are super awesome but everything is definitely going to be MUCH different. And I'm not that big of a fan of change. Oh well. It's inevitable.

According to the folks that went on the college retreat (and myself), I have 37 days to find the love of my life, a job, and a place to live. Yup. 37. That's 888 hours. That's 53,280 minutes. That's 3,196,800 seconds.

I better get going.

love

2009-01-12T10:26:00.001-05:00

LOVE
noun, verb, loved, lov⋅ing.
–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13. Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.
–verb (used with object)
15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
20. to have sexual intercourse with.
–verb (used without object)
21. to have love or affection for another person; be in love.
—Verb phrase
22. love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets.
—Idioms
23. for love,
a. out of affection or liking; for pleasure.
b. without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of the poor for love.
24. for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For the love of mercy, stop that noise.
25. in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: a youth always in love.
26. in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of: in love with the girl next door; in love with one's work.
27. make love,
a. to embrace and kiss as lovers.
b. to engage in sexual activity.
28. no love lost, dislike; animosity: There was no love lost between the two brothers.
__________________________________

I used to think "love" was something that came so easily to me. I love "love." Especially unconditional love. It is the one thing that can always make me happy, no matter what. Love seems to have healing powers like nothing else. But recently, due to some "self-realization time" and also trying to see others around me for what they really are, love is hard. Just plain hard. Love scares me. Love makes me excited. Love hurts me. It is crazy how one thing, one word, one emotion, one feeling can do all that and more. "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Do you really believe that? Do you think that the heartache that could possibly last a lifetime is worth it for a couple of years of love? I'm actually still struggling with what I think about this. I don't want to be one of those bitter-towards-love people because I really do believe "love covers a multitude of sins." Although some people are of course easier to love than others, we are supposed to love everyone. We don't necessarily have to love them all in the same way. There's romantic love, friendship love, family love, etc...

Do me a favor. If you love someone, tell them. Show them. Remind them. It's one of the worst feelings in the world to not hear that you are loved, not be shown love, or to not feel loved.

My mind is going crazy right now. I'll write more later.

Yes, it's controversial

2008-11-12T15:00:00.000-05:00

Ok. I finally have some inspiration for a new blog. I'm a little excited. Some people may not like this blog or the ideas that I have shared in it but this is what it is. Here goes...

So, I don't have a problem with drinking...in moderation. I don't agree with "getting wasted" and I also don't think it's right to drink in front of or around people who struggle with alcohol and/or substance abuse. That's just asking for trouble. Anyway, I don't have a problem with having a drink or two every now and then. I do, however, have a problem when parents let their underage children (or children of age for that matter) have a wild and crazy party where everyone gets totally trashed and makes lots of stupid decisions. I also have a problem when most of the pictures I see of these parties on Facebook have the "mother" in the pictures getting just as wasted with the kids. Really? Is that really the example you want to set for your children? Do you want your kids to die before the age of 25 because of alcohol poisoning, drug overdose, car accident, etc? I really don't even know how to express my anger towards stuff like this. It's just plain stupid.

Whatever. It really saddens my heart to know that there are thousands of people out there who so desperately want to be parents and raise their children in a way that is glorifying to God and keep them as safe as possible until they are out on their own and then there are people like "this" who don't care what their kids do, who they hang out with, what they're putting into their bodies, and how they portray themselves. It's just sad.

I don't know what else to say. Dumb. It's just dumb.

New Blog

2008-10-28T10:24:00.001-04:00

So, here's a new blog.

:)

Ok, I'll write more soon. I PROMISE. After Thursday, I will be smooth sailing!

A New School Year and A Bad Attitude

2008-08-18T23:24:00.002-04:00

So, this will be short and sweet until I once again receive the motivation to write this blog. The school year is about to start and I just feel blah. It's my senior year. I should be totally excited...maybe a little nervous and scared but excitement should be my main emotion. There are so many blessings that I have received so far. And I totally haven't forgotten about them. I didn't have to pay a dime this year for school and even had book money. I get to live with my awesome roommate again and our dorm is right beside the gym so that's cool. I got the classes I wanted, the times I wanted them, and the teachers I wanted. I have a job on campus and no Friday classes. I'm just blah.

...to be continued...

Hailstorms and Beach time

2008-08-05T14:47:00.003-04:00

So, I've been meaning to write a blog for a while. Here goes.

The youth was supposed to go tubing on the French Broad River last Saturday. We got up there and the guy told us that we would have to get 3 four-person rafts because it would be too hard to tube down the river. So we agreed. Then, he told us that we had to get 1 four-person raft and 4 two-person duckies (inflatable kayaks). It started off great! We were going down the river, it was relaxing, and it seemed that everyone was having a good time. We would stop to swim or just hang out. Then, we started switching rafts around. Savanna, Bobbie Jo, and I got in the four-person raft and started back down the river. It started thundering and lightning pretty bad and I started to get freaked out. They didn't tell us what to do in case of "weather." Right when we pulled off to the side of the river to get out of the boat, it started pouring. We walk up a little path and stand under some trees. That probably wasn't the best idea but it was all we had. The rest of the group was further up the river. All of a sudden, it started hailing! Penny-sized. It was hilarious. They hurt but we were thirsty so we cupped our hands and started catching the hail and eating it. Nathan and Jon Michael got into some kind of plant that gave them a rash or something and it was really weird. Eli, Bryan, and I ate a burnt cheese pizza from K-mart for dinner and sat outside on some clearance patio furniture. We made it home safely and everyone seemed to have a good time, despite the lightning and hail and weird plant attack.

Now, I'm at the beach with the folks. We came down Sunday and are supposed to be leaving Saturday. I have an awesome bed that has a great view of the ocean. This morning, I layed in bed and watched the sunrise. It was so incredible. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get to hang out with Jenny and Millie since it's their day off and then tomorrow night we're going to see the Good Vibrations show that has 60's, 70's, and 80's music. That should be cool. Today, we went parasailing and I got to go twice because Dad needed someone to ride with and these 3 little kids from West Virginia were riding together and Mom didn't want to go again. We saw lots and lots of jellyfish but nothing else. Thursday, we're supposed to get up early and go out on the JetSkis to see dolphins. Tonight, I'll probably hang out with my friend, Sarah that lives down here.

I love the beach. I could totally live here. But I do miss people from home. They should be here, too.

Love You.

Soulmate- Natasha Bedingfield

2008-07-15T11:08:00.001-04:00

Incompatible, it don't matter though
cause someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Relationships

2008-07-12T11:53:00.002-04:00

So, I'm reading this book right now about relationships. It's such an interesting book and the weird thing is, I feel like the author is talking directly to me. She talks about all kinds of relationships but mainly just good, strong, friendships and how much females need a "best friend" that they can tell everything to and that will also tell them everything. Sometimes, I really feel like I don't have that. I've always thought you have certain friends for specific reasons. For example, one friend could be the one you talk to about spiritual things, one friend could be the one you talk to about family problems, one friend could be the one you always go out to eat or see movies with, etc. But that is not a healthy way to look at relationships. We need a person who we can share EVERYTHING with. The author also talks about how even though your husband should be your best friend and the one who knows everything about you and you know everything about him, you still need a "girlfriend" to share all of that stuff with, too. Men and women are very different in how they approach and deal with certain subjects and because of that, we (females) need another female to share everything with. This has just been on my mind so much lately. So much in fact that it's starting to interfere with everyday life, especially my schoolwork. We all need encouragement, love, and happiness. We all need to feel wanted and needed. We all need to be told that we are loved but more than that, we need to be shown love. I need to be shown love.

2008-06-20T19:18:00.000-04:00

So, this past week was VBS at my church. Everyday, from 9am-12noon, I got to hang out with some pretty awesome kids. (I also got to babysit the two greatest little boys for the past two weeks! I hope I can keep hanging out with them for the next few weeks since I'm only in school for two hours each day.) We made crafts, sang songs, played ridiculous water games, and most importantly, listened to Bible stories. I always forget how much I love to hear Bible stories when they're being told to children. I feel like I can understand them better and they bring me back to a simple, child-like faith. Although I wish the Bible was spoon-fed to me all the time, it's nice to get back into a Bible "study" that's more age appropriate.
I was convinced into teaching the college sunday school class since our regular teacher, Bobbie Jo, will be filling in as interim youth pastor for the summer. (On a side note, she's so amazing and I love her alot. I'm glad she wanted me to teach the class...as much as I resisted. Whether she really thinks I can do it and be good at it or she just really wanted someone to teach while she was filling in as interim, I guess I won't know. I hope it's the first.) It works out that we decided on a study of Galatians and the summer school class I'm taking is a Galatians book study. I start this Sunday with teaching Sunday School and my class starts Monday.
There are a lot of people that I miss right now. But it's ok. Hopefully I can see them soon. This will be short but it's just a little update and a little brighter than the last one.
I'm also trying to do a better job of being more open to talking about religion with the family and friends. My brother's girlfriend and I just had a pretty good conversation about stuff. She believes that all religions are OK and that as long as you're a good, moral person, you'll go to Heaven. That's one of the worst things to believe, I think. I'm trying very hard to have a better attitude and set a good example for those around me. Being with the kids this week that I knew were always watching me helped out with that alot.

Love you.

If I was, you know...

2008-06-07T21:36:00.000-04:00

...would anybody miss me?

Back to Changes...

2008-05-29T16:10:00.000-04:00

More and more things are changing. My interests, my priorities, my sleeping patterns, my thoughts and feelings about certain people, just everything... and that's what I wanted. And I'm beginning to feel peace about everything. A peace that I've honestly never felt before. Even though there's still an uncertainty and nervousness about changes, that peace is beginning to overwhelm me. I deserve better. But I also deserve worse. It depends on the situation.

Yesterday was a long but amazing day. I babysat for a wonderful little girl named Rebekah. Her mom and dad were at the hospital all day having another baby, Matthew! Rebekah and I had so much fun all day and she was SO well-behaved and content. It was one of the best days I've had this summer. Then, I got the call at about 7pm saying they had the baby and wanted me to bring Rebekah to the hospital to see her new baby brother. I didn't think it was going to be that big of a deal to me. I mean, I was super excited...don't get me wrong...but when I got there, I was overwhelmed with this sense of joy and bliss that I can't even describe. Here I am, getting to hold this new baby less than two hours old and all I could do the entire time was praise God for this healthy little boy and the wonderful family he was just born in to. He has great parents and a sweet big sister. I was just overwhelmed.

I think yesterday really helped me realize what I eventually want in my life. Maybe not right now but I want a husband and a family and to be in the hospital and have family and friends around when the babies are born and I want the SUV and the months where we have to live paycheck to paycheck and the soccer games and the dance classes and the pre-school macaroni crafts hanging on my refrigerator and the church events and the PTA meetings and parent-teacher conferences and the night-time prayers and the saturday mornings where the kids run and jump on the bed and the fights and the "I hate you's" and the sacrifice it takes to raise and maintain a family and the Love that endures all those things. I can want things, right? It won't be perfect because nothing is. But it's life. And that's the life I want. Those are truly the desires of my heart.

Change

2008-05-24T18:10:00.000-04:00

Wow. That word used to make me cringe. It still does, to an extent, but nearly as much. I think the biggest reason it scared me was because I knew change is inevitable. But it also scares me because I know that I need to make changes within myself. I'm working on that. Hard. It's tough and has pretty much sent me into a slight depression but I know it is needed. I like comfort. Who doesn't. I didn't think I was so scared of change and getting out of my comfort zone...and maybe I'm not. As long as we're not talking about ME. Death, circumstances, jobs, family issues...all those things mean change and all of those things are inevitable. I guess I'm just so attached to earthly things and people, I'm not as attached as I need to be to the One that will never change. I am learning this more and more everyday this summer. As much as I wanted this summer to be one of the best ones of my life (since it will be the last one before I really have to "grow up") I know that it will be a summer full of changes, tears, laughter, depression, happiness, guilt, and peace. I miss my friends. I miss the way things were last semester. But I need to enjoy the time I have now and make the best of it. I can't see everyone that I want to see and I know that will change permanently after next year so maybe this summer is my opportunity to get used to that. Who knows. There are people I love that I can't see but I have to get used to that, I suppose.

P.S. I wish gas prices weren't so high. That might help, too.

Love you.

I haven't done the 5 random things in a while so here goes:
*My computer officially died last night. I need some stuff for my German class off of it.
*I got my frist sunburn of the summer this week. It sucks.
*My jaw has been bothering me. They gave me muscle relaxers. They are NICE.
*I love my family. But I also love alone time, too.
*I bought HipHop Abs. It is super fun!

Ick.

2008-05-19T19:24:00.001-04:00

Just ick. Really. Blah.

P.S.

2008-05-16T23:22:00.001-04:00

I think the song on the Manwich commercial is SUPER catchy and it gets stuck in my head for like, 2 days everytime I hear it. I really wouldn't mind if that was my ringtone.

Full Hearts, Empty Conversations

2008-05-16T22:27:00.001-04:00

So, this past week has really made me realize what is important in my life. There are a few things that have really been on my mind alot and have got me thinking that I need to prioritize and re-evaluate some things. Although I feel like my family has so much they want to way to each other, whether it be good or bad, we don't talk. Sure, we have to occasional "how was your day" and "what did you do today" but those are surface-level questions and we answer them like they are. Like just tonight, sitting at Mutt's with Mom and Dad, we didn't talk about anything. Sometimes, I feel like I say something and they may be listening but they don't really hear me. But I guess everyone feels like that at times.

And this isn't just a thing with my family. It's with most of my friends. I feel like I have surface-level relationships with most of them but I long for so much more. What do we talk about? Really? We talk about music, school, clothes, movies, etc. But that's about it. We talk about classes and help each other with schoolwork but then it's time to go and do our own thing. I'm tired of living my life like this. I feel empty, even though I have so much on my mind and heart. Maybe I need to talk to a therapist or something. But then, in the back of my mind, I'll constantly be thinking that they are just listening because they are getting paid to listen.

I know all of this is stemming from me worrying about what other people think of me but it's hard not to think that way. Very hard. As much as I try NOT to think about what others think of me, it's probably one of the things I think about the most. I know I shouldn't care but I do. I'm scared of failing, I'm scared of not being accepted, I'm scared of being a disappointment, and I'm scared of the future and how it's going to unfold.

Anyway, I guess that's about it. That's what is on my mind.

Love you. Really.

The moment I've been waiting for

2008-05-10T11:15:00.000-04:00

I love Alicia. That is all.

Happy Birthday, Stacy!

2008-05-09T09:13:00.002-04:00

I wanted to share a few things about one of my best friends, Stacy Conwell, on her 23rd birthday today! I just love this girl to death. She has one of the best personalities out there and is never short on making people laugh or smile. She's not afraid to speak what's on her mind, a quality I am quite envious of, and she's always there for anybody that needs her. Even though she's married and has a house and a husband and a job, she always seems to find time for her friends and having fun with them, without neglecting her priorities. (Another quality I look up to) We've been friends for a couple of years but have grown a lot closer these past two years, or so, and I love spending time with her! She's so easy to talk to and is one of the, if not THE, most genuine people I know. If you don't want to be told like it is, don't ask Stacy. She's passionate about learning and science and biology and all that jazz, passionate about the Lord, and passionate about life. Three very high qualities that anybody should be proud to have. Well, here's to you, Stacy! I love for who you are and who you inspire me to become!

Looking at the last blog...

2008-05-08T15:20:00.002-04:00

...I realized how negative I sounded. I didn't mean to come across that way. Or did I? Probably. But here is a better, more optimistic one. A friend of mine, who I miss very much, used to keep a little notebook and write a few things in it that she was thankful for each day. The trick was that she couldn't write the same thing twice...unless it was really good. :) So, here are a few of mine:

Salvation from a God who loves me despite how crappy I am
Parents
Friends
Water
FRIENDS (tv show)
Love
Shampoo+Conditioner
Timmy
Air Conditioning
Sunshine
Milk
Sleep
Music

Life is changing...

2008-05-07T16:47:00.000-04:00

...and as exciting as that may be, it's pretty scary, too. I graduate in exactly one year from today and in this upcoming year, I have a lot to figure out. What I'm going to do when I graduate, where I want to see myself in 5 years...etc. There are so many things that I have NO idea about that it scares the crap out of me. Most of my friends are either married or are getting married and are looking at houses and kitchen appliances and blah, blah, blah. They have a career path and their upcoming family to think about. Along with all of that comes responsibility. A word that is scary, yet exciting at the same time. I know there will be hard times and times where they might not think they'll make but they'll get through and they'll have someone there to share it with. They have their life unfolding right in front of their eyes. I'll have a piece of paper with my name on it...and if I'm lucky, it'll get framed.

Seeing life through the eyes of a bratty little kid in the doctor's office

2008-04-17T17:15:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I met my mom at the doctor's office to get my throat checked on. While we were sitting there, we were observing this bratty little kid who would NOT stop asking him mom questions. It wasn't the cute little kid kind of thing, either. It was the annoying ten-year old who was asking questions just because he could and knew that he would get his answer if he asked enough times. I started thinking about it and realized...wait a minute. That bratty little, question-filled kid was me. That's how I am in my relationship with Christ. I ask and ask and ask and each time I ask, I expect an answer. But what do I give in return, not a whole lot. Very little, actually. This thought came to me this morning when some of my first thoughts/prayers of the day included the question of "why?" Do I really want to know the answer? Sometimes. Sometimes I don't because maybe I already know the answer but don't really want to HEAR it. Just a thought. I had to get it down real quick.

Prosperity Gospel

2008-04-05T13:47:00.000-04:00

Love actually IS all around

2008-03-30T03:45:00.000-04:00

Love you.

Calvinism, Taking Chances, Jokes, and The Things We Say

2008-03-28T19:55:00.000-04:00

So, Timmy is writing his PTRW paper about John Calvin which led me to begin listening to what Calvinism entails and the beliefs that Calvinists have. They use scripture to back up what they say and it makes a little bit of sense but Calvinism almost just sounds mean. Maybe I'm not understanding it correctly or maybe I'm looking up the wrong stuff but the "TULIP" model is what modern-day Calvinists believe and I don't agree with all of those things. Each letter stands for something so just look it up. I don't really know what I think about it yet. I've been talking to a dear friend about it and she is helping me see things I would not have thought of, which is really helpful and she is being so encouraging. I'm hoping to talk to another great friend who is very smart and knows a lot about a lot of different things. We'll see what her insights are. I know this is a little vague but because I don't really understand it very well, that's all I can give you right now.

As for taking chances, I think we should take chances in life. And when I say "we" I mean myself, as well. This is hard for me, no matter what the situation is. Taking chances gets us out of our comfort zones and what we are used to. Some people are OK with that and sometimes it's very exciting. Other times, it's the scariest thing we'll have to decide.

Jokes are funny. But not when taken the wrong way or when said to the wrong person. Just FYI.

The things we say are always being heard, even if we don't think so. Sometimes the things we say get taken the wrong way and we hurt someone or make them question our motives or morals, even if that wasn't the original intent. Be careful what your say and how you say it.

I know this is a really random post but these are just a few things going through my mind right now. Weird, whatever.

Love you

Sore throats, gelato, and love

2008-03-21T02:02:00.000-04:00

So, this has been a weird week. Just weird. I woke up Sunday morning feeling bad and it has just progressively gotten worse over the course of the past 4 days. Today, I stayed home and did a whole lot of nothing. That may sound nice but when you are sick, it's no fun. As sweet as he is, Timmy came over and hung out with me from 3 until 10, Brett brought me gelato from downtown g'ville and we played MASH, and Lauren, Jenny, and Alicia called and offered to help me with anything I needed. My mom took my car to work today and people came and washed it and put new tires on it. My daddy took a 2nd grade class to Charleston today and he brought me back a stuffed turtle from the aquarium. Despite being sick and not feeling good, people around me have made me feel loved and helped bring back my sense of humor. Daddy and Timmy went to Chick-fil-A and brought dinner and everyone say around at ate together. It was fun and something we don't get to do a lot. I actually got to eat a little bit and that's a good thing.

Tomorrow morning, we are going to the lakehouse to see family and hang out with them for the weekend. I just hope I'm feeling better for everyone's sake. I don't want to be around everone feeling bad. It's no fun for anyone. Anyway, although this post is neither insightful or thought-provoking, I just wanted to write one. It's been a while. Just pray that I get better and it's nothing worse than a severe sinus/respiratory infection. Hope it's not meningitis. :(

Happy Easter. Remember, although the easter bunny is cute and fun and PEEPS are fun to blow up in the microwave, that is NOT what Easter is about. Jesus died and rose again. That is why we have the hope and peace that gets us through each day whether we realize it or not.

Love you.

Seeing things that have been there all along

2008-03-11T01:15:00.000-04:00

So, a wonderful, dear friend of mine wrote about "fitting in" (I think) and I wanted to comment on her blog but figured I'd just go ahead and post one myself.

I used to want to fit in so badly. Then, I got to the point where I thought I didn't care. I was wrong. I still wanted to fit in and it always seemed like the people I wanted to get the closest to were the ones that seemed so distant and far away from me. They seemed to show no interest in me, my life, or who I was. That's when God started to deal with me. He probably had been for a while but I guess I was just too caught up in what I wanted rather than what I already had. This became more and more evident to me as the people I wanted to "fit in" with started doing things I didn't want to do or didn't think was appropriate. They also seemed to become even more distant, which I thought was impossible. Then, it hit me. I had so many people that I had rejected spending time with that actually wanted to spend time with me and I was so caught up into fitting in with new and different people, that I didn't even see the blessing that was right in front of me for God only knows how long.

After I started to invest my time into their lives and growing closer to them, my desire to "fit in" no longer consumed my thoughts through the day and my prayers at night. I now prayed that God would continue to grow these wonderful relationships that I was a part of and now. I have a select few people that I know love me and want to spend time with me and want to invest in my life as much as I want to in theirs, too.

Each day, I thank God for these people. If they don't know who they are, I pray right now that I can somehow tell or show them that in the next week. People need to know that they are loved and appreciated and that's why I try so hard all the time to let people know that I love them and care about them and what's going on in their lives. If you truly love someone, no matter what kind of love it is, you'll want to spend time with them, hear their problems and struggles, and most importantly, see them grow closer to God each and every day.

It's still hard sometimes knowing that people may not want to be your friend and may not want to invest their time in your life like you want to invest your time in theirs but just remind yourself of those that do and most importantly, The One that cares more about you than anything in this world.

Blank Screens and Blinking Cursors

2008-03-06T17:19:00.000-05:00

I hate that feeling. The feeling when you're looking at a blank Word document screen with that little, black, blinking cursor. You know the one I'm talking about. It's comparable to trying to write a blog. You feel like you have so many things to say or talk about, yet you have no idea how to begin or further organize your thoughts. That's my problem. Finishing stuff I start and organization. Although I want to see others succeed and finish things they start, I can't do that for myself. And although I always want to organize other people's rooms and their belongings, I can't bring myself to organize my own stuff or even my own life. Ugh.

I'm also having a very hard time deciding what to do this summer. There are a lot of options but for the most part, I can only choose one. My problem is I can't seem to figure out what the right one is. Here are a few of the options: going back to the orphanage in Africa, working at a KOA campground, going to summer school, getting a job around here, or just chilling out at the lake. The weird thing is, want to do ALL of them but, at the same time, none of them.

Again, I don't want to sound like I'm complaining all the time. It's not good.

Today, Jenny and I took pictures of my friend Candace and her fiance. It was a lot of fun! I'm glad she asked me to do it. I need the practice, it's always fun to take pictures, and I love to edit and Photoshop stuff on the computer. I took about 350 and I'm not sure how many Jenny took but I'm thinking they turned out quite well and am excited for her to see them and excited to see Jenny's.

Yesterday, my dad and I went and looked at cars. I really would like to have something a little bigger than my bug. I've always felt very small driving that car but ever since that stupid wreck with Brett's car, my car freaks me out because it's so small and very hard to see out of. I love my car, don't get me wrong. It's so cute and the convertible is great! But I would like something a little bigger and more practical. We were looking at the KIA Sorentos and even talked to the finance people about how much they'd give us for my car and how much we could get a Sorento for. The numbers weren't quite right so I didn't drive away in a new car but oh well. Hopefully we'll get something worked out soon. They want me to get something that I can keep for a while and not have a lot of problems with. KIA got 5-stars on all of their safety ratings (which I was very happy to hear) and they have that 10-year, 100,000 mile warranty, which is also very great. Anyway, I guess we'll see.

I wish more people would comment when they read this blog. Sometimes, people will mention something to me about it and I'm like, "Whoa. I didn't even know you read that thing." So, yah...if you read, at least put a little comment. I left it open so everyone can comment. You don't have to have an account.

I thought I had better stuff to talk about. I guess not. That's usually the way my life goes. Eh.

Comment. Give me something to talk about. Whatever.

5 random things for today: (plus some)
*I bought a new camera charger that I can take to different countries! :)
*Me and Brett talked on the phone and watched "My Big Redneck Wedding" on CMT. Needless to say, I got a lot of good ideas.
*Why do people say, "needless to say" and then say something? If it's so needless, why say it?
*I really need to finish my paper. One of my "english-teacher friends" was so gracious enough to accept my request to proofread it. I'm so thankful for her and her willingness to do that.
*The AT&T commercial with the dad sending the little girls all those pictures with her stuffed animal makes me melt. Everytime. (The scooter store holiday commercial also makes me cry uncontrollably.)
*I'm going to see Andrew Peterson with said "english-teacher friend" tomorrow night! I'm super excited!
*I took a 20 minute power nap today. It was warm and glorious.

ok. love you

Homework, Chicken, Lakes, and Maps

2008-02-29T21:26:00.000-05:00

So, today was a good day. I went to my 8am class, turned in my 4-page Hermeneutics homework assignment that I felt truly confident about, hung out with some people that I've missed, went to my 10am class where I did NOT finish my homework, went to lunch with some fantabulistical people that I love, got thrown up on by the cutest little baby, saw my boy leave to go to Romania, went home and slept on the couch, ate dinner at Zaxby's with the parents, now I'm at the lakehouse for the night.

I really enjoy coming down the lakehouse. It's so quiet and peaceful and just a good change of scenery. I really want a lot of people to come hang out this summer! It's so much fun with the boat and tubing and just hanging out! Random: I have some big wall maps that I got for Christmas (I love maps, by the way) and we haven't hung them up yet. Dad said we could do that tomorrow and as stupid as that may be, I'm super excited.

I miss Jenny. I miss Timmy. I miss Brett. I miss Alicia. I miss a lot of people.

I really DON'T want to go to summer school this summer. It's my last summer before my senior year but I'll be spending the WHOLE time in Summer School. BOTH SESSIONS. Boo. I really wanted to either spend a couple of months in Africa or spend the summer working with KOA at a lake in California. But I know what I need to do if I want to graduate on time. And I DO want to graduate on time. Who knows what I'm going to do but I'm just ready to be outta here.

I don't really have a lot to write about, I suppose. Gotta go put my clothes in the dryer. Hopefully I'll have more to write about soon. Something better, anyway.

Love you. Really.

In the Blink of an Eye

2008-02-14T11:05:00.000-05:00

I guess it's only natural to want to write a blog after what happened yesterday. If you've never been in a car accident, I pray you never have to experience what goes on. Even if they car doesn't look that bad, the sequence of events won't stop replaying in your mind for days or even weeks. Yesterday's events are no exception.

To make a long story short, I was driving a friend's car down Hwy. 414 heading towards 25. I see a white car coming in my lane very fast. I try to slow down and honk but he doesn't move. I swerve off to the right in hopes that he'll just fly on past me but no. Smashes right into the driver side door and then manages to make me slide about 30 yards into an enbankent and he keeps flying, goes over a driveway and smashes into some trees. Luckily, I had people right there to help me out and I saw him get out of his car and walk around. Both cars are totaled but we are both fine. I've got neck pain and hip pain and bruises but other than that, Praise God I'm alive. That, I know, is the only reason I'm here. I know it was because of His protection and His leading me to swerve that it wasn't a head-on collision.

Three random bits of information to the story:
1. He said he fell asleep and doesn't remember anything until he woke up and he was in the trees.
2. He was driving a NGU campus security car.
3. They estimated him to be traveling at about 70-75 miles per hour.

Now NGU gets to buy Brett a new car! :) I keep saying Brett gets a new car and I get a new outlook on life. It's a win-win situation.

This might sound cliche' but I don't care. I'm just SO blessed to be alive. According to at least three folks, including the trooper on the scene, "it was a good thing I swerved cuz' I might not be here to tell this story." So, that's always a good reminder of how quickly things can change...In the Blink of an Eye.

I'm so thankful for the people that were out there to help and just to be there to support. It was nice to stand there and even be able to laugh about things at the scene of such a horrible accident. I'm thankful nobody got hurt and that insurance can cover the cars. I'm thankful for Brett and her being so understanding and forgiving when I feel horrible about totaling her car. I'm thankful for hearing Brett's granny say, "You can replace cars but you can't replace people." I'm thankful for everyone who's been calling or leaving notes on facebook just making sure I'm ok. I'm thankful it wasn't a lot worse.

That's why I always tell everyone to be careful when they go somewhere. You never know what can happen.

Love you.

yah, i'm skipping chapel

2008-02-13T14:04:00.000-05:00

So, as I'm sitting here, skipping chapel for no reason other than I have a killer headache and I went to a bonus chapel last night, I was thinking about what I could talk about in this blog. I don't really have anything too insightful or though-provoking to discuss but there are a few things on my mind.

Hermeneutics. This class takes up most of my energy and overall existence. I'm going through the book of Mark, trying to divide it up in "sections" and then break the sections down into "episodes" and then break the episodes down into "pararaphs" and then break the paragraphs down into "phrases" and then break the phrases down by "words" and do this thing called a Word Study. Sound fun? Actually, it's not all that bad. It's interesting and thought-provoking. Although it's tedious and usually confusing, I suppose it's helping. I guess this class just makes me feel dumb, overall. My professor, Dr. Rankin, finds connections and meanings that I could never even think of much less put into words or on paper. We're also doing a quick background on the Greek and Hebrew languages. This is interesting and very confusing but it's so cool to open that 9000 page book called The Greek-English Concordance to the New Testament and see how many meanings ONE word can have. I think this is what makes this class worthwhile. It makes you want to make sure that you have the correct interpretation of the scriptures so then you can apply it correctly.

Church. This has been on my mind a lot lately, too. I love Mt. Lebanon. Don't get me wrong. It's my "home" church, where I accepted Christ and was baptized, and where I learned the true meaning of a "church family" but recently, I haven't felt that feeling. I feel as though I honestly don't belong there or better yet, don't FIT IN there. Everyone has their family to sit with or eat with after church or attend conferences or meetings with. I don't have that. I appreciate those who take me "under their wing" and invite me to eat and even pay for it but honestly, it's just not the same. If you are not at church alone, you can't understand this. You can't understand the feeling I have driving to church alone, leaving from eating lunch alone...yah, time with friends is great and truly appreciated and wanted but it still just leaves that empty feeling. I've tried so hard for years to accept this, get over it, change it, etc. but it just hasn't worked.

School. I really do want to change my major, again. But don't want to have to stay in school longer than I'm supposed to be. I would love to do something with Mass Comm but I guess have just now realized it. I love working with computers and pictures and editing and stuff like that. I've just never had the tools or money to do it. And I guess I felt that if I didn't have those things or the experience going into it, I wasn't going to succeed at it. Maybe that's why it's called "school." School is where you learn HOW to do those things. Crap. Too bad I just now realized that.

Africa. Maybe it doesn't matter what I want to major in. I want to live in Africa, anyway. I miss Africa, and the people, and the children, and the way of life SO much. Every night, before I go to sleep, I pray that I will be able to go back to Africa for a longer period of time and just soak it in. It's funny. All the children at the orphanage want to come to the states so badly because it's the "land of opportunities and freedom" but all I can think of is going back there, to be with them. Everyone is so appreciative of anything they have and anyone around them. They don't need fancy stuff to get by. They have their necessities and they survive. But they don't just survive life, they enjoy it. In Africa, it feels as if there's no clocks. No time, no appointmens, just life. Get up when the sun comes up, go to bed when the sun goes down. Sure, I love my car and my iPod and my hairdryer and my laptop but as long as I have clothes, food, water, shelter, some people that I love and that love me back (and maybe a camera) I think I'd be ok.

Well, I guess that's about all I want to type. I have more thoughts but they're weird and random and I guess I'll save those for another rainy day.

Love you.

oh yah, 5 random things for the day. Man, it's only 11am. I need to write blogs at night.
*I fell going to class today. Stupid wet leaves.
*Read the back of a "SmartWater" water bottle. It's hilarious. (apparently, they have them at Bi-Lo right now...ten 32oz. bottles for ten dollars.) I'm there.
*I need shampoo. (I have like, 4 bottles in the shower but I just need some more)
*Sarah W. sometimes feels like she's "on the market." (don't ask)
*I don't have a car today. I don't care.

Those suck, I realize this...but like I said, it's only 11am.
*

all ears, but not all the time

2008-02-09T13:07:00.000-05:00

So, the lines of communication DEFINITELY need to stay open in relationships. No matter what kind of relationship it is, you need to talk. Talk about feelings, opinions, ideas, problems, worries, etc. If not, there will be consequences. Spending almost 5 hours in a Wendy's is a great way to resolve any issues a relationship may have. Trust me.

Also, don't be so quick to tell others their flaws and imperfections. You may realize that you struggle with some of the exact same things. If you have a friend that is willing to listen to what you have to say, tell them. But then also be willing to hear what the other person has to say to/about you.

This might not make sense to some of you, but others know what I'm talking about. It's true. Just communicate. It may be hard at the time, but in the long run, you'll be so thankful you did.

The Put-Downs of Life

2008-02-05T20:50:00.000-05:00

Why is it so easy to believe/accept the bad things and imperfections about yourself but so terribly hard to believe the good things people say about you or compliments people give you?

If you can answer that, please, by all means, help me out.

Something Good

2008-02-02T18:02:00.000-05:00

I really want to be remembered for something good. Note I didn't say big or extraordinary...just remembered. As I think about Jenny's dad, David, and hear people talk about him, I've never heard one negative thing about him. Ever. He is someone to look up to and he is such an incredible example of how we should live our lives as Christ-like as possible. Patient, kind, loving, geunine...

I try so hard every day to help people realize how much they mean to me. I don't always succeed and sometimes I might have a bad day and don't do a very good job of showing Love towards others. That's when I have to humble myself and take a minute to thank God for all that He has done and ask Him to give me that gift of love. I just want people to realize how amazing they are. We live in a world where our role models seem to be people like celebrities or drug-addicts who have made a life for themselves, etc. That can be good and all but shouldn't our true role model be Christ? Shouldn't we be living everyday striving to be more like him and show the love he gave to us? That's hard. Real hard. But if you think about it, the more you pray and ask God to give you the gift of compassion and love, the easier it is because you realize how important it is, how He did the same thing for us, and how great it makes people feel. Not only that, it will make people realize something different about you. If you don't react in a negative way to something aggravating or you don't honk your horn everytime somebody cuts you off in traffic, people, whether you think so or not, will notice. And they will wonder. They will see Jesus living through you. They might not know it's Jesus but it is.

I want to be remembered for showing Christ's love everyday and in every situation. Yah, I'm gonna screw it up. But I'm sure gonna try. I've tried for a long time and I'm not gonna stop now. We had a message about "Acts of Random Kindness" and I totally agree that those things can mean the world to someone. I've tried to live that way for a long time only through the help of Christ and his love showing through me.

Ok...5 random things for the day: (even though it's only 3pm)
*I dyed my hair this morning. It's darker and I like it.
*I like this boy. We have fun. "Hey, do this."
*Jenny is amazing. Strong, courageous, hilarious, loving, patient...just like her daddy.
*I LOVE apple juice.
*I need some stuff from WalMart but that requires money...money that I don't have.

I have this verse on my laptop. It's one of my favorites. 1 Peter 4:8
"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." (niv)
"Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything." (The Message)

Actually, just read all of 1 Peter 4. It's amazing.

You're amazing.

Johari Window

2008-01-31T22:00:00.001-05:00

So, there's this thing called a "Johari Window." I don't remember where I found it but it's been on my facebook for a while and I think it's a really cool thing. Just follow this link and see for yourself. It takes about 2 minutes.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=AshleyKing

So I'm a copycat...

2008-01-31T19:20:00.000-05:00

Well, Chris made a blog, then Jenny made a blog now I want a blog. I had a blog before but I guess I didn't really have a lot to say. Maybe I wanted to get it out but didn't really want people to read it. Who knows. Now, I have some stuff to say. Questionable, probably. Interesting, maybe. Insightful, well, we'll just have to see.

I love my roommate. We get along great (I think) and last night, we had a great discussion. We were both very honest about different things and it ended up that we were kind of dealing with a similar situation and I hadn't told anyone else before her. It's always good to know there are others out there dealing with a similar struggle and though the struggle may be similar, the feelings about it can be completely different.

I hate drama. It's so difficult and just makes life miserable. Always worrying about if this person is mad at you for something you said, wondering if this person likes you...drama is pointless. It takes me back to middle school when there were all the cliques of people and I felt like I didn't fit with any of them. They say hindsight is 20/20. Looking back, it's a good thing I wasn't "in a group." I wouldn't be who I am and frankly, I kinda like who I am. All the time? No way. But overall, besides taking things too personally and holding people at higher expectations than they can acheive, I don't think I would change too much.

Everyday of my life, I find at least 5 things that are humorous. (usually) I'll try to share some each time I post.

*I saw this guy carrying a purse. He was walking with another guy, though. Sketch.
*Brett Seay is now considered "butch." (not really, Brett. but your knuckles are ridiculous)
*Britnie Reid used to ride around the USC campus on a bike, with no brakes, and a trumpet on her back.
*Dr. Tony Beam is one of the funniest guys on earth. His son wanted to watch Bruce Almighty when it first came out and his initial thought was, "I've raised a liberal, non-believing, blasphemous kid." (he retracted that statement, later, after he saw the movie for himself and got convicted for "judging a book by it's cover")
*Apparently, I have a complex because I don't like to eat by myself or see other eating by themselves.
***I'm just like a magnet. Everyone is so attracted to me." -Britnie Reid***