i don't want to be happy

"this is the day the lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."  -Psalm 118:24.

attempting to live each day with this attitude is tough. I can usually start the day remembering this truth and wake up thanking the lord for a new day but then as the day progresses, satan can and will use any situation to try and take my joy away. sometimes he succeeds. sometimes he doesn't. the days when he is most successful are the days i fail to spend time with jesus. they are the days when i lose focus on all the blessings i have so graciously been given without deserving any of them. god's grace and mercy are so abundant and unfathomable but one negative thought or situation has the potential to make me lose sight of his truths and his love.

i desire not only to be content and happy each and every day but i desire something more. I desire joy. yes, they're different. i'm not saying we shouldn't display the emotion of happiness but we can be happy because of a specific situation or lose that happiness when something "bad" happens. however, joy is a fruit of abiding in christ and his love. this joy, unlike happiness, shouldn't be absent in the midst of trials and tribulations. our emotions are so finicky and always changing but god's word and his promises are always the same and should be the foundation for our thoughts and actions.

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."  -Romans 5:1-5

so often, i let satan use my sinful, human emotions to control my thoughts and actions. instead, i should be letting god's truths do that.

Washed.

Ok. So, this might come as a shock…it might not. This has been something I’ve struggled with for quite some time. However, as a result of my sin and pride, this struggle has been something I’ve refused to recognize, deal with, and especially talk about to anyone. For the past few years (but specifically the past few months) I’ve struggled with the idea of the undeserved grace of God, having to earn my salvation, and even earn God’s love and grace in my life. I don’t want to blame it on my background or how I was raised in a “Catholic” home but I know those factors can be influential when it comes to a person’s faith. However, I’ve heard the gospel countless times, been through Bible studies, been involved in an evangelical church, and even majored in “Christian Studies” at NGU. Following Christ and surrendering to the Lord is a choice and it is a choice we make not only once in our lives but every day, every decision, every moment. Of course we’re going to screw up. We always have and we always will.

Ephesians 2:1-10 and Romans 3:9-26 have been two of the main scripture passages that I have clung to through this battle. For so long I thought that good works were my way to the Lord and a way I could earn God’s partiality on my life. Number one, God doesn’t show partiality and number two, God’s grace and love is definitely not something that anyone can earn. “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” (Ephesians 2:8-10) We don’t earn God’s grace by our works but because of God’s grace in our lives, we are equipped to do good works for His glory. I used to quote all of this and speak this like I had believed it for years. That was a lie. Now, that has changed.

I have been involved with a wonderful Sunday school class and small group at Richland Creek Community Church and have been blessed with amazing folks to teach me, correct me, and love me. My small group leaders, Currie and Suzanne Tilley, have played a major influence in my life since I’ve been at Southeastern. They have provided hospitality, love, instruction, and great memories for me and pretty much everyone they come in contact with. They truly radiate Christ and display what it means to follow the Lord. I have been able to come to them for anything and this struggle being one of those times they have helped me most. They shared Truth with me, encouraged me, and most importantly, prayed for me.

I share all this to let you know that last Sunday, August 22, I surrendered my life to the Lord in a way I never have before. The Lord has been pursuing me for years and now I have finally accepted God’s grace and love and surrendered to Christ as Lord of my life. I no longer live for myself. I live for Him and His glory. I am going to be baptized this coming Sunday night at Richland Creek’s lake baptism and I feel honored that Currie will be the one to baptize me with Suzanne right there beside him. I thought that this journey would be really hard, almost embarrassing, to share with people because of where I am in life but the Lord has given me such courage and boldness to share the amazing work He’s done in my life. Some people may think less of me or judge me because I was so involved with church, youth group, missions, and I just started my second year of seminary, or as some people like to call it, “Bible college” but this is my story and I am not ashamed of the Lord, therefore, I’m not ashamed to tell my story. “I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.” (Galatians 2:20)

Surrender.

I have battled with posting this for quite a while now (almost 2 months). But then I realized I just need to do it…for myself, for anyone else who happens to stumble upon it, etc. I get frustrated when I feel like people aren’t being honest with me and when I feel like people can’t tell me things so here goes. Here’s my attempt at being open and honest.

I’m tired. I’m so tired. I don’t have anything to complain about, really. Life is good. Actually, life is amazing. I’m not needing or wanting for anything, I have two/three jobs, school is paid for, I have clothes, a car, a place to live, friends and family who encourage me and spend time with me, an awesome church to be involved in…I seem to have it all together, right? I have everything I could ever want or need. That could be the problem. Sacrifice.

Last semester, I didn’t really want to be here. Well, I did but I couldn’t get used to the idea of living here. Also, I didn’t know or understand why I was here…(maybe I still don’t). It was a big change that I had to adjust to. It was my first move away from home so that was just intimidating. I’m used to it now. More than that, I love it here. Of course I miss some folks in G’ville and I still love G’ville but I’m here and this is where I want to be now.

Seminary is hard. When I make that statement, I don’t necessarily mean the academic part of seminary is hard. It’s the balancing of life and relationships with seminary academics that is hard. A dear friend of mine from G’ville warned me about this before I moved here. She said to be sure not to let academics get in the way of my real relationship with Christ. Well, I fear that has happened and it has happened quietly and slowly and in the worst way possible and maybe it has been happening for quite some time. I’m burned out. I’m tired. I’m almost emotionless. Numb, even. I study the Bible day in and day out. That’s what seminary is. But maybe I missed the point. We study about church, church politics, money, scripture, Baptist history, mission strategies, etc. We read book after book about Jesus and Paul and missionaries and pastors and Piper…it’s getting old. Why?

But I can’t blame it all on seminary. It all stems from a heart problem that I have continually refused to recognize and deal with before I came here. Pride caused that. I made myself numb. I don’t know Jesus. I don’t trust Jesus. I don’t love Jesus like I thought I did. I know ABOUT Jesus. I trust what I hear ABOUT Jesus. I love what I know ABOUT Jesus. But my actual relationship is essentially non-existent. I feel like amongst all my bumper stickers on my car, I should have one that says, “Jesus was a cool guy.” This is HARD to admit, hard to accept, and even harder to share with everyone else. I tend to keep things quiet and to myself unless someone really seems interested in asking but I can’t keep this quiet any longer. I need a renewal or better yet, a surrendering. I’ve simply learned to be accommodating.

I was SO ready to go overseas with the IMB and serve as a missionary. Who was I kidding? God didn’t allow that to happen and now, looking back, I am forever grateful that God’s plans, wisdom, and knowledge are greater than mine ever will be. He knew I wasn’t ready, knew I wasn’t trusting Him. I trusted myself and everyone else except Him. I’m idolatrous. Everything else in my life will be put before God.

I was talking to a good friend of mine recently and we were discussing prayer. I became brutally honest with her and told her that prayer is usually my last resort instead of the thing I cling to first, especially when it comes to my own life. If I can’t fix it, then I’ll resort to God. And then if and when I decide to do that, I’m still doubtful if it will even help anything. That is so messed up. Idolatrous. Sinful. Human. Prideful. But when it comes to others, I’ll fervently pray for them with the greatest expectations that the Spirit will do something miraculous. Strange.

Update since I actually wrote this post:

I’m still fighting this internal battle but prayer is becoming richer, more consistent…time in the Word has increased and not just for the sake of telling someone I did it, ya know? I’m still struggling with the whole idea of surrender. It means giving up control, control that I may or may not even have right now but it’s nice to think that I do. I feel that once my stubbornness is diminished and I relinquish control, these other things will fall into place. We’ll see. There is so much I don’t understand and one of those things is that I don’t have to understand everything. Ironic.

I know most of this might seem like jibberish and may not flow or make any sense but I was just typing as the thoughts came to my head. That was the only way I could write this. It may not seem like a big deal, but to me, this is everything right now. An eternal relationship is a big deal, a sweet surrendering is a big deal, prayer and belief in that prayer is a big deal, not just going through the motions is a big deal…

If you’re someone who believes in the power of prayer, then I’m asking for yours.

"Few souls understand what God would accomplish in them if they were to abandon themselves unreservedly to Him and if they were to allow His grace to mould them accordingly." -Ignatius

Homeless and Heartbroken

A recent entry in my written journal I wanted to share:

So, I'm leaving in 8 hours (5am) to go to New Orleans on a mission trip with my church's youth group. I guess I'm a chaperone...if you could call me that. As I was thinking about all the people I might come in contact with and what I could possibly say to them, I was waiting on my clothes to dry. I was packing my bathroom bag. I was trying to find matching sheets to take to make my bed in the dorm I'll be staying in for a week. I was making a list of things I might need to pick-up last minute at Wal-Mart. I was texting my mom asking her to put some money in my bank account in case I might need something and to pay for meals on the way down to New Orleans and back. I was making sure I had some laundry detergent and quarters to wash clothes if mine got too nasty. I was trying my best to cram all my crap into my suitcase. 

Really? Wow. How spoiled and ungrateful am I? We were packing gallon-sized ZipLoc bags to pass out to the homeless of New Orleans and each one contained these items: toothbrush, toothpaste, washcloth, soap, deodorant, vienna sausages, crackers, and a bottle of water. That's it. That's all they are going to get. And those are life necessities. I have so much STUFF. My family has so much stuff. Two houses, four cars, a boat, a timeshare, retirement funds, stocks, insurance, etc, etc...Why? I know some people just have better luck than others but why us? Why my parents? Why can I just ask my mom for $100 for crap I might or might not need and some people won't see $100 in their life? I don't like to think that I'm selfish but maybe I am. Maybe I can give more. No, I KNOW I can give more. That's no question. The real question is: Will I do it? I'm hoping this week will be the final nudge to push me over the edge; to knock me down onto my face. 

Will I do it?

"I Hope You Had The Time Of Your Life..."

So, it's graduation day...from college. Whoa. It really hasn't sunk in yet. I think it started to tonight when I was watching a video that Britnie made for Brett. It hit me. It's over. It's really over. I have decisions to make. BIG decisions. I said I wasn't going to cry today. I'm not surethat will happen anymore. Anyway, I'm so thankful for these last four years. Some days, it seemed like this day would never come...other times, I look back and think these four years have gone by so fast. Too fast.  I wanted them to hurry up. Now I want them to slow back down. I look back and see things I should have done (and things I shouldn't have), things I should have said (and things I shouldn't have), people I should have talked to and hung out with. But I don't want to look back with regrets. I want to look back with joy and laughter and know I was where I was supposed to be in this time of my life. 

As much as I complain about NGU, I'm thankful for this school. Who knows where I would be, what I would be like, what kind of friends I would have if it weren't for NGU. I used to think that maybe I sometimes missed out on the "real college experience" because I went to a goody-goody Christian school. But now I look back and think, at least I can remember all my memories and I didn't wake up in some random place with no recollection of how I got there or the night before. Anyway, it's late. Or early. I'm not thinking clearly. I'm just rambling. 

I want to do Journeyman. I don't want to keep going to school anymore. It changes each day. Crap. I love America. I sometimes dislike America a whole bunch. Crap. I'm sitting here on Brett's futon and Britnie is here, too, reading this supposedly awesome book called, "In A Pit With A Lion On A Snowy Day." I realize this won't happen many more times after this. But it's not all bad. I have a chance to do something great. WIth nothing. Nothing that I have. Nothing that I can do. Only what God will have me to do...for Him. I'm starting to think seminary is not part of that plan right now. I'm starting to think America is not of that plan right now. But comfort. It's all comfort. Security blankets. They're great...when you're young and when you don't have great opportunities. I'm trying to convince myself, do you see?

Oh it's late. I have lots more to say...but no more energy. Sorry. 

Take This Personality Profile Quiz Thing...

http://test.personality-project.org/

Here are my scores (if you are interested)

http://test.personality-project.org/survey/yourscores.php?G=2&Y=21&A=5.7&O=4&E=4.1&S=3.1&C=4&M=0

Love you.

Ridiculous

Warning: This is a blog about ME. (selfishness to the max) I just needed to write.

So, it has been a ridiculously long time since I've written a blog. I guess I feel if nothing drastic or major is happening, I don't need to write because who is going to care? Well, oh well. I wanted to write a new one. I guess a lot of stuff has happened since the last post. My feelings about LOVE have not changed. In fact, they have grown and I wish "LOVE" could be a major in college or grad school.

I've helped lead two Disciple-Now weekends, went to a "LIVE LOVE" conference hosted by StudentLife that was absolutely amazing, went on a college retreat with incredibly incredible people, and today, sent off my first application for scholarships to grad school-Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary to be specific. Who knows what God will have me study if I go there but I'm excited! (www.sebts.edu)

I have very mixed emotions and I won't blame them on being female. I'm just an incredibly emotional person. I cry at Extreme Makeover-Home Edition and I cry when I laugh too hard. I think that's a good thing. I have self-diagnosed myself with "SAD"-Seasonal Affective Disorder. (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/seasonal-affective-disorder/DS00195) It makes sense with me. Although I love the cold weather (sometimes), winter is usually not my friend. Anyway, despite that, I'm just emotional. I cry when other people cry, I laugh when other people laugh, I hurt when others hurt, and I rejoice when others rejoice. So, what's wrong with that? Some people think it's mood swings like bi-polar or something but I just think it's so I can connect with others more easily or they can connect with me. Is that weird? I'm just emotional...not dramatic. Emotional.

I think I'm changing a lot. I used to think that I was independent and didn't really need anybody but day after day I would prove myself wrong. I was really clingy, attached, and got upset when I thought people didn't want to hang out with me. I took things WAY too personally. Recently, that hasn't been such an issue. I really hope this stays like this. I mean, it's not completely gone away (my clinginess and attachment issues and stuff) I know I need people but I don't want to fully depend on them...because I know I can't. There's only One who I can depend on and I'm truly hoping and praying that this is His way of helping me realize and accept this truth. If I do move somewhere where I don't know anyone, I'll need all of Him that I can get.

Graduation is in 37 days. Whoa. Speaking of mixed emotions, I'm ecstatic and sad. I'll miss not having as many responsibilities and being able to take random road trips and late night at Denny's and hanging out and talking to Jenny and other friends. I'll miss my friends...alot. Especially the ones that are going off and gettin' hitched. That'll be completely different. I know their spouses and they are super awesome but everything is definitely going to be MUCH different. And I'm not that big of a fan of change. Oh well. It's inevitable.

According to the folks that went on the college retreat (and myself), I have 37 days to find the love of my life, a job, and a place to live. Yup. 37. That's 888 hours. That's 53,280 minutes. That's 3,196,800 seconds.

I better get going.