Back to Changes...

More and more things are changing. My interests, my priorities, my sleeping patterns, my thoughts and feelings about certain people, just everything... and that's what I wanted. And I'm beginning to feel peace about everything. A peace that I've honestly never felt before. Even though there's still an uncertainty and nervousness about changes, that peace is beginning to overwhelm me. I deserve better. But I also deserve worse. It depends on the situation.

Yesterday was a long but amazing day. I babysat for a wonderful little girl named Rebekah. Her mom and dad were at the hospital all day having another baby, Matthew! Rebekah and I had so much fun all day and she was SO well-behaved and content. It was one of the best days I've had this summer. Then, I got the call at about 7pm saying they had the baby and wanted me to bring Rebekah to the hospital to see her new baby brother. I didn't think it was going to be that big of a deal to me. I mean, I was super excited...don't get me wrong...but when I got there, I was overwhelmed with this sense of joy and bliss that I can't even describe. Here I am, getting to hold this new baby less than two hours old and all I could do the entire time was praise God for this healthy little boy and the wonderful family he was just born in to. He has great parents and a sweet big sister. I was just overwhelmed.

I think yesterday really helped me realize what I eventually want in my life. Maybe not right now but I want a husband and a family and to be in the hospital and have family and friends around when the babies are born and I want the SUV and the months where we have to live paycheck to paycheck and the soccer games and the dance classes and the pre-school macaroni crafts hanging on my refrigerator and the church events and the PTA meetings and parent-teacher conferences and the night-time prayers and the saturday mornings where the kids run and jump on the bed and the fights and the "I hate you's" and the sacrifice it takes to raise and maintain a family and the Love that endures all those things. I can want things, right? It won't be perfect because nothing is. But it's life. And that's the life I want. Those are truly the desires of my heart.

Change

Wow. That word used to make me cringe. It still does, to an extent, but nearly as much. I think the biggest reason it scared me was because I knew change is inevitable. But it also scares me because I know that I need to make changes within myself. I'm working on that. Hard. It's tough and has pretty much sent me into a slight depression but I know it is needed. I like comfort. Who doesn't. I didn't think I was so scared of change and getting out of my comfort zone...and maybe I'm not. As long as we're not talking about ME. Death, circumstances, jobs, family issues...all those things mean change and all of those things are inevitable. I guess I'm just so attached to earthly things and people, I'm not as attached as I need to be to the One that will never change. I am learning this more and more everyday this summer. As much as I wanted this summer to be one of the best ones of my life (since it will be the last one before I really have to "grow up") I know that it will be a summer full of changes, tears, laughter, depression, happiness, guilt, and peace. I miss my friends. I miss the way things were last semester. But I need to enjoy the time I have now and make the best of it. I can't see everyone that I want to see and I know that will change permanently after next year so maybe this summer is my opportunity to get used to that. Who knows. There are people I love that I can't see but I have to get used to that, I suppose.

P.S. I wish gas prices weren't so high. That might help, too.

Love you.

I haven't done the 5 random things in a while so here goes:
*My computer officially died last night. I need some stuff for my German class off of it.
*I got my frist sunburn of the summer this week. It sucks.
*My jaw has been bothering me. They gave me muscle relaxers. They are NICE.
*I love my family. But I also love alone time, too.
*I bought HipHop Abs. It is super fun!

Ick.

Just ick. Really. Blah.

P.S.

I think the song on the Manwich commercial is SUPER catchy and it gets stuck in my head for like, 2 days everytime I hear it. I really wouldn't mind if that was my ringtone.

Full Hearts, Empty Conversations

So, this past week has really made me realize what is important in my life. There are a few things that have really been on my mind alot and have got me thinking that I need to prioritize and re-evaluate some things. Although I feel like my family has so much they want to way to each other, whether it be good or bad, we don't talk. Sure, we have to occasional "how was your day" and "what did you do today" but those are surface-level questions and we answer them like they are. Like just tonight, sitting at Mutt's with Mom and Dad, we didn't talk about anything. Sometimes, I feel like I say something and they may be listening but they don't really hear me. But I guess everyone feels like that at times.

And this isn't just a thing with my family. It's with most of my friends. I feel like I have surface-level relationships with most of them but I long for so much more. What do we talk about? Really? We talk about music, school, clothes, movies, etc. But that's about it. We talk about classes and help each other with schoolwork but then it's time to go and do our own thing. I'm tired of living my life like this. I feel empty, even though I have so much on my mind and heart. Maybe I need to talk to a therapist or something. But then, in the back of my mind, I'll constantly be thinking that they are just listening because they are getting paid to listen.

I know all of this is stemming from me worrying about what other people think of me but it's hard not to think that way. Very hard. As much as I try NOT to think about what others think of me, it's probably one of the things I think about the most. I know I shouldn't care but I do. I'm scared of failing, I'm scared of not being accepted, I'm scared of being a disappointment, and I'm scared of the future and how it's going to unfold.

Anyway, I guess that's about it. That's what is on my mind.

Love you. Really.

The moment I've been waiting for

I love Alicia. That is all.

Happy Birthday, Stacy!

I wanted to share a few things about one of my best friends, Stacy Conwell, on her 23rd birthday today! I just love this girl to death. She has one of the best personalities out there and is never short on making people laugh or smile. She's not afraid to speak what's on her mind, a quality I am quite envious of, and she's always there for anybody that needs her. Even though she's married and has a house and a husband and a job, she always seems to find time for her friends and having fun with them, without neglecting her priorities. (Another quality I look up to) We've been friends for a couple of years but have grown a lot closer these past two years, or so, and I love spending time with her! She's so easy to talk to and is one of the, if not THE, most genuine people I know. If you don't want to be told like it is, don't ask Stacy. She's passionate about learning and science and biology and all that jazz, passionate about the Lord, and passionate about life. Three very high qualities that anybody should be proud to have. Well, here's to you, Stacy! I love for who you are and who you inspire me to become!

Looking at the last blog...

...I realized how negative I sounded. I didn't mean to come across that way. Or did I? Probably. But here is a better, more optimistic one. A friend of mine, who I miss very much, used to keep a little notebook and write a few things in it that she was thankful for each day. The trick was that she couldn't write the same thing twice...unless it was really good. :) So, here are a few of mine:

Salvation from a God who loves me despite how crappy I am
Parents
Friends
Water
FRIENDS (tv show)
Love
Shampoo+Conditioner
Timmy
Air Conditioning
Sunshine
Milk
Sleep
Music

Life is changing...

...and as exciting as that may be, it's pretty scary, too. I graduate in exactly one year from today and in this upcoming year, I have a lot to figure out. What I'm going to do when I graduate, where I want to see myself in 5 years...etc. There are so many things that I have NO idea about that it scares the crap out of me. Most of my friends are either married or are getting married and are looking at houses and kitchen appliances and blah, blah, blah. They have a career path and their upcoming family to think about. Along with all of that comes responsibility. A word that is scary, yet exciting at the same time. I know there will be hard times and times where they might not think they'll make but they'll get through and they'll have someone there to share it with. They have their life unfolding right in front of their eyes. I'll have a piece of paper with my name on it...and if I'm lucky, it'll get framed.