Back to Changes...

More and more things are changing. My interests, my priorities, my sleeping patterns, my thoughts and feelings about certain people, just everything... and that's what I wanted. And I'm beginning to feel peace about everything. A peace that I've honestly never felt before. Even though there's still an uncertainty and nervousness about changes, that peace is beginning to overwhelm me. I deserve better. But I also deserve worse. It depends on the situation.

Yesterday was a long but amazing day. I babysat for a wonderful little girl named Rebekah. Her mom and dad were at the hospital all day having another baby, Matthew! Rebekah and I had so much fun all day and she was SO well-behaved and content. It was one of the best days I've had this summer. Then, I got the call at about 7pm saying they had the baby and wanted me to bring Rebekah to the hospital to see her new baby brother. I didn't think it was going to be that big of a deal to me. I mean, I was super excited...don't get me wrong...but when I got there, I was overwhelmed with this sense of joy and bliss that I can't even describe. Here I am, getting to hold this new baby less than two hours old and all I could do the entire time was praise God for this healthy little boy and the wonderful family he was just born in to. He has great parents and a sweet big sister. I was just overwhelmed.

I think yesterday really helped me realize what I eventually want in my life. Maybe not right now but I want a husband and a family and to be in the hospital and have family and friends around when the babies are born and I want the SUV and the months where we have to live paycheck to paycheck and the soccer games and the dance classes and the pre-school macaroni crafts hanging on my refrigerator and the church events and the PTA meetings and parent-teacher conferences and the night-time prayers and the saturday mornings where the kids run and jump on the bed and the fights and the "I hate you's" and the sacrifice it takes to raise and maintain a family and the Love that endures all those things. I can want things, right? It won't be perfect because nothing is. But it's life. And that's the life I want. Those are truly the desires of my heart.