Washed.

Ok. So, this might come as a shock…it might not. This has been something I’ve struggled with for quite some time. However, as a result of my sin and pride, this struggle has been something I’ve refused to recognize, deal with, and especially talk about to anyone. For the past few years (but specifically the past few months) I’ve struggled with the idea of the undeserved grace of God, having to earn my salvation, and even earn God’s love and grace in my life. I don’t want to blame it on my background or how I was raised in a “Catholic” home but I know those factors can be influential when it comes to a person’s faith. However, I’ve heard the gospel countless times, been through Bible studies, been involved in an evangelical church, and even majored in “Christian Studies” at NGU. Following Christ and surrendering to the Lord is a choice and it is a choice we make not only once in our lives but every day, every decision, every moment. Of course we’re going to screw up. We always have and we always will.

Ephesians 2:1-10 and Romans 3:9-26 have been two of the main scripture passages that I have clung to through this battle. For so long I thought that good works were my way to the Lord and a way I could earn God’s partiality on my life. Number one, God doesn’t show partiality and number two, God’s grace and love is definitely not something that anyone can earn. “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” (Ephesians 2:8-10) We don’t earn God’s grace by our works but because of God’s grace in our lives, we are equipped to do good works for His glory. I used to quote all of this and speak this like I had believed it for years. That was a lie. Now, that has changed.

I have been involved with a wonderful Sunday school class and small group at Richland Creek Community Church and have been blessed with amazing folks to teach me, correct me, and love me. My small group leaders, Currie and Suzanne Tilley, have played a major influence in my life since I’ve been at Southeastern. They have provided hospitality, love, instruction, and great memories for me and pretty much everyone they come in contact with. They truly radiate Christ and display what it means to follow the Lord. I have been able to come to them for anything and this struggle being one of those times they have helped me most. They shared Truth with me, encouraged me, and most importantly, prayed for me.

I share all this to let you know that last Sunday, August 22, I surrendered my life to the Lord in a way I never have before. The Lord has been pursuing me for years and now I have finally accepted God’s grace and love and surrendered to Christ as Lord of my life. I no longer live for myself. I live for Him and His glory. I am going to be baptized this coming Sunday night at Richland Creek’s lake baptism and I feel honored that Currie will be the one to baptize me with Suzanne right there beside him. I thought that this journey would be really hard, almost embarrassing, to share with people because of where I am in life but the Lord has given me such courage and boldness to share the amazing work He’s done in my life. Some people may think less of me or judge me because I was so involved with church, youth group, missions, and I just started my second year of seminary, or as some people like to call it, “Bible college” but this is my story and I am not ashamed of the Lord, therefore, I’m not ashamed to tell my story. “I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.” (Galatians 2:20)

Surrender.

I have battled with posting this for quite a while now (almost 2 months). But then I realized I just need to do it…for myself, for anyone else who happens to stumble upon it, etc. I get frustrated when I feel like people aren’t being honest with me and when I feel like people can’t tell me things so here goes. Here’s my attempt at being open and honest.

I’m tired. I’m so tired. I don’t have anything to complain about, really. Life is good. Actually, life is amazing. I’m not needing or wanting for anything, I have two/three jobs, school is paid for, I have clothes, a car, a place to live, friends and family who encourage me and spend time with me, an awesome church to be involved in…I seem to have it all together, right? I have everything I could ever want or need. That could be the problem. Sacrifice.

Last semester, I didn’t really want to be here. Well, I did but I couldn’t get used to the idea of living here. Also, I didn’t know or understand why I was here…(maybe I still don’t). It was a big change that I had to adjust to. It was my first move away from home so that was just intimidating. I’m used to it now. More than that, I love it here. Of course I miss some folks in G’ville and I still love G’ville but I’m here and this is where I want to be now.

Seminary is hard. When I make that statement, I don’t necessarily mean the academic part of seminary is hard. It’s the balancing of life and relationships with seminary academics that is hard. A dear friend of mine from G’ville warned me about this before I moved here. She said to be sure not to let academics get in the way of my real relationship with Christ. Well, I fear that has happened and it has happened quietly and slowly and in the worst way possible and maybe it has been happening for quite some time. I’m burned out. I’m tired. I’m almost emotionless. Numb, even. I study the Bible day in and day out. That’s what seminary is. But maybe I missed the point. We study about church, church politics, money, scripture, Baptist history, mission strategies, etc. We read book after book about Jesus and Paul and missionaries and pastors and Piper…it’s getting old. Why?

But I can’t blame it all on seminary. It all stems from a heart problem that I have continually refused to recognize and deal with before I came here. Pride caused that. I made myself numb. I don’t know Jesus. I don’t trust Jesus. I don’t love Jesus like I thought I did. I know ABOUT Jesus. I trust what I hear ABOUT Jesus. I love what I know ABOUT Jesus. But my actual relationship is essentially non-existent. I feel like amongst all my bumper stickers on my car, I should have one that says, “Jesus was a cool guy.” This is HARD to admit, hard to accept, and even harder to share with everyone else. I tend to keep things quiet and to myself unless someone really seems interested in asking but I can’t keep this quiet any longer. I need a renewal or better yet, a surrendering. I’ve simply learned to be accommodating.

I was SO ready to go overseas with the IMB and serve as a missionary. Who was I kidding? God didn’t allow that to happen and now, looking back, I am forever grateful that God’s plans, wisdom, and knowledge are greater than mine ever will be. He knew I wasn’t ready, knew I wasn’t trusting Him. I trusted myself and everyone else except Him. I’m idolatrous. Everything else in my life will be put before God.

I was talking to a good friend of mine recently and we were discussing prayer. I became brutally honest with her and told her that prayer is usually my last resort instead of the thing I cling to first, especially when it comes to my own life. If I can’t fix it, then I’ll resort to God. And then if and when I decide to do that, I’m still doubtful if it will even help anything. That is so messed up. Idolatrous. Sinful. Human. Prideful. But when it comes to others, I’ll fervently pray for them with the greatest expectations that the Spirit will do something miraculous. Strange.

Update since I actually wrote this post:

I’m still fighting this internal battle but prayer is becoming richer, more consistent…time in the Word has increased and not just for the sake of telling someone I did it, ya know? I’m still struggling with the whole idea of surrender. It means giving up control, control that I may or may not even have right now but it’s nice to think that I do. I feel that once my stubbornness is diminished and I relinquish control, these other things will fall into place. We’ll see. There is so much I don’t understand and one of those things is that I don’t have to understand everything. Ironic.

I know most of this might seem like jibberish and may not flow or make any sense but I was just typing as the thoughts came to my head. That was the only way I could write this. It may not seem like a big deal, but to me, this is everything right now. An eternal relationship is a big deal, a sweet surrendering is a big deal, prayer and belief in that prayer is a big deal, not just going through the motions is a big deal…

If you’re someone who believes in the power of prayer, then I’m asking for yours.

"Few souls understand what God would accomplish in them if they were to abandon themselves unreservedly to Him and if they were to allow His grace to mould them accordingly." -Ignatius