Homeless and Heartbroken

A recent entry in my written journal I wanted to share:

So, I'm leaving in 8 hours (5am) to go to New Orleans on a mission trip with my church's youth group. I guess I'm a chaperone...if you could call me that. As I was thinking about all the people I might come in contact with and what I could possibly say to them, I was waiting on my clothes to dry. I was packing my bathroom bag. I was trying to find matching sheets to take to make my bed in the dorm I'll be staying in for a week. I was making a list of things I might need to pick-up last minute at Wal-Mart. I was texting my mom asking her to put some money in my bank account in case I might need something and to pay for meals on the way down to New Orleans and back. I was making sure I had some laundry detergent and quarters to wash clothes if mine got too nasty. I was trying my best to cram all my crap into my suitcase. 

Really? Wow. How spoiled and ungrateful am I? We were packing gallon-sized ZipLoc bags to pass out to the homeless of New Orleans and each one contained these items: toothbrush, toothpaste, washcloth, soap, deodorant, vienna sausages, crackers, and a bottle of water. That's it. That's all they are going to get. And those are life necessities. I have so much STUFF. My family has so much stuff. Two houses, four cars, a boat, a timeshare, retirement funds, stocks, insurance, etc, etc...Why? I know some people just have better luck than others but why us? Why my parents? Why can I just ask my mom for $100 for crap I might or might not need and some people won't see $100 in their life? I don't like to think that I'm selfish but maybe I am. Maybe I can give more. No, I KNOW I can give more. That's no question. The real question is: Will I do it? I'm hoping this week will be the final nudge to push me over the edge; to knock me down onto my face. 

Will I do it?

"I Hope You Had The Time Of Your Life..."

So, it's graduation day...from college. Whoa. It really hasn't sunk in yet. I think it started to tonight when I was watching a video that Britnie made for Brett. It hit me. It's over. It's really over. I have decisions to make. BIG decisions. I said I wasn't going to cry today. I'm not surethat will happen anymore. Anyway, I'm so thankful for these last four years. Some days, it seemed like this day would never come...other times, I look back and think these four years have gone by so fast. Too fast.  I wanted them to hurry up. Now I want them to slow back down. I look back and see things I should have done (and things I shouldn't have), things I should have said (and things I shouldn't have), people I should have talked to and hung out with. But I don't want to look back with regrets. I want to look back with joy and laughter and know I was where I was supposed to be in this time of my life. 

As much as I complain about NGU, I'm thankful for this school. Who knows where I would be, what I would be like, what kind of friends I would have if it weren't for NGU. I used to think that maybe I sometimes missed out on the "real college experience" because I went to a goody-goody Christian school. But now I look back and think, at least I can remember all my memories and I didn't wake up in some random place with no recollection of how I got there or the night before. Anyway, it's late. Or early. I'm not thinking clearly. I'm just rambling. 

I want to do Journeyman. I don't want to keep going to school anymore. It changes each day. Crap. I love America. I sometimes dislike America a whole bunch. Crap. I'm sitting here on Brett's futon and Britnie is here, too, reading this supposedly awesome book called, "In A Pit With A Lion On A Snowy Day." I realize this won't happen many more times after this. But it's not all bad. I have a chance to do something great. WIth nothing. Nothing that I have. Nothing that I can do. Only what God will have me to do...for Him. I'm starting to think seminary is not part of that plan right now. I'm starting to think America is not of that plan right now. But comfort. It's all comfort. Security blankets. They're great...when you're young and when you don't have great opportunities. I'm trying to convince myself, do you see?

Oh it's late. I have lots more to say...but no more energy. Sorry. 

Take This Personality Profile Quiz Thing...

http://test.personality-project.org/

Here are my scores (if you are interested)

http://test.personality-project.org/survey/yourscores.php?G=2&Y=21&A=5.7&O=4&E=4.1&S=3.1&C=4&M=0

Love you.

Ridiculous

Warning: This is a blog about ME. (selfishness to the max) I just needed to write.

So, it has been a ridiculously long time since I've written a blog. I guess I feel if nothing drastic or major is happening, I don't need to write because who is going to care? Well, oh well. I wanted to write a new one. I guess a lot of stuff has happened since the last post. My feelings about LOVE have not changed. In fact, they have grown and I wish "LOVE" could be a major in college or grad school.

I've helped lead two Disciple-Now weekends, went to a "LIVE LOVE" conference hosted by StudentLife that was absolutely amazing, went on a college retreat with incredibly incredible people, and today, sent off my first application for scholarships to grad school-Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary to be specific. Who knows what God will have me study if I go there but I'm excited! (www.sebts.edu)

I have very mixed emotions and I won't blame them on being female. I'm just an incredibly emotional person. I cry at Extreme Makeover-Home Edition and I cry when I laugh too hard. I think that's a good thing. I have self-diagnosed myself with "SAD"-Seasonal Affective Disorder. (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/seasonal-affective-disorder/DS00195) It makes sense with me. Although I love the cold weather (sometimes), winter is usually not my friend. Anyway, despite that, I'm just emotional. I cry when other people cry, I laugh when other people laugh, I hurt when others hurt, and I rejoice when others rejoice. So, what's wrong with that? Some people think it's mood swings like bi-polar or something but I just think it's so I can connect with others more easily or they can connect with me. Is that weird? I'm just emotional...not dramatic. Emotional.

I think I'm changing a lot. I used to think that I was independent and didn't really need anybody but day after day I would prove myself wrong. I was really clingy, attached, and got upset when I thought people didn't want to hang out with me. I took things WAY too personally. Recently, that hasn't been such an issue. I really hope this stays like this. I mean, it's not completely gone away (my clinginess and attachment issues and stuff) I know I need people but I don't want to fully depend on them...because I know I can't. There's only One who I can depend on and I'm truly hoping and praying that this is His way of helping me realize and accept this truth. If I do move somewhere where I don't know anyone, I'll need all of Him that I can get.

Graduation is in 37 days. Whoa. Speaking of mixed emotions, I'm ecstatic and sad. I'll miss not having as many responsibilities and being able to take random road trips and late night at Denny's and hanging out and talking to Jenny and other friends. I'll miss my friends...alot. Especially the ones that are going off and gettin' hitched. That'll be completely different. I know their spouses and they are super awesome but everything is definitely going to be MUCH different. And I'm not that big of a fan of change. Oh well. It's inevitable.

According to the folks that went on the college retreat (and myself), I have 37 days to find the love of my life, a job, and a place to live. Yup. 37. That's 888 hours. That's 53,280 minutes. That's 3,196,800 seconds.

I better get going.

love

LOVE
noun, verb, loved, lov⋅ing.
–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13. Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.
–verb (used with object)
15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
20. to have sexual intercourse with.
–verb (used without object)
21. to have love or affection for another person; be in love.
—Verb phrase
22. love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets.
—Idioms
23. for love,
a. out of affection or liking; for pleasure.
b. without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of the poor for love.
24. for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For the love of mercy, stop that noise.
25. in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: a youth always in love.
26. in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of: in love with the girl next door; in love with one's work.
27. make love,
a. to embrace and kiss as lovers.
b. to engage in sexual activity.
28. no love lost, dislike; animosity: There was no love lost between the two brothers.
__________________________________

I used to think "love" was something that came so easily to me. I love "love." Especially unconditional love. It is the one thing that can always make me happy, no matter what. Love seems to have healing powers like nothing else. But recently, due to some "self-realization time" and also trying to see others around me for what they really are, love is hard. Just plain hard. Love scares me. Love makes me excited. Love hurts me. It is crazy how one thing, one word, one emotion, one feeling can do all that and more. "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Do you really believe that? Do you think that the heartache that could possibly last a lifetime is worth it for a couple of years of love? I'm actually still struggling with what I think about this. I don't want to be one of those bitter-towards-love people because I really do believe "love covers a multitude of sins." Although some people are of course easier to love than others, we are supposed to love everyone. We don't necessarily have to love them all in the same way. There's romantic love, friendship love, family love, etc...

Do me a favor. If you love someone, tell them. Show them. Remind them. It's one of the worst feelings in the world to not hear that you are loved, not be shown love, or to not feel loved.

My mind is going crazy right now. I'll write more later.