So, this past week has really made me realize what is important in my life. There are a few things that have really been on my mind alot and have got me thinking that I need to prioritize and re-evaluate some things. Although I feel like my family has so much they want to way to each other, whether it be good or bad, we don't talk. Sure, we have to occasional "how was your day" and "what did you do today" but those are surface-level questions and we answer them like they are. Like just tonight, sitting at Mutt's with Mom and Dad, we didn't talk about anything. Sometimes, I feel like I say something and they may be listening but they don't really hear me. But I guess everyone feels like that at times.
And this isn't just a thing with my family. It's with most of my friends. I feel like I have surface-level relationships with most of them but I long for so much more. What do we talk about? Really? We talk about music, school, clothes, movies, etc. But that's about it. We talk about classes and help each other with schoolwork but then it's time to go and do our own thing. I'm tired of living my life like this. I feel empty, even though I have so much on my mind and heart. Maybe I need to talk to a therapist or something. But then, in the back of my mind, I'll constantly be thinking that they are just listening because they are getting paid to listen.
I know all of this is stemming from me worrying about what other people think of me but it's hard not to think that way. Very hard. As much as I try NOT to think about what others think of me, it's probably one of the things I think about the most. I know I shouldn't care but I do. I'm scared of failing, I'm scared of not being accepted, I'm scared of being a disappointment, and I'm scared of the future and how it's going to unfold.
Anyway, I guess that's about it. That's what is on my mind.
Love you. Really.
Friday, May 16, 2008
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4 comments:
i feel the exact same way.
ashleyking, you never cease to amaze me. you throw your genuine thoughts out there w/o fear and i admire that. i agree with you 100%. i am definitely like that in my family and w/ my friends as well. you & me...we say this every summer (all 2 of them we've known each other) but we need to hang out more. i think we would have some crazy conversations. i need more of you in my life. seriously.
ahhh...who was anonymous? I hate that.
I don't know if we ever stop worrying about what others think of us. As we get older, we worry less. Maybe those brain connections no longer work as well??
Anyway, the minute you start saying what is really on your heart, you will be free. It's not easy and your relationships will change. I've been there and it's scary but liberating. And, it will bring you closer to God.
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