Surrender.

I have battled with posting this for quite a while now (almost 2 months). But then I realized I just need to do it…for myself, for anyone else who happens to stumble upon it, etc. I get frustrated when I feel like people aren’t being honest with me and when I feel like people can’t tell me things so here goes. Here’s my attempt at being open and honest.

I’m tired. I’m so tired. I don’t have anything to complain about, really. Life is good. Actually, life is amazing. I’m not needing or wanting for anything, I have two/three jobs, school is paid for, I have clothes, a car, a place to live, friends and family who encourage me and spend time with me, an awesome church to be involved in…I seem to have it all together, right? I have everything I could ever want or need. That could be the problem. Sacrifice.

Last semester, I didn’t really want to be here. Well, I did but I couldn’t get used to the idea of living here. Also, I didn’t know or understand why I was here…(maybe I still don’t). It was a big change that I had to adjust to. It was my first move away from home so that was just intimidating. I’m used to it now. More than that, I love it here. Of course I miss some folks in G’ville and I still love G’ville but I’m here and this is where I want to be now.

Seminary is hard. When I make that statement, I don’t necessarily mean the academic part of seminary is hard. It’s the balancing of life and relationships with seminary academics that is hard. A dear friend of mine from G’ville warned me about this before I moved here. She said to be sure not to let academics get in the way of my real relationship with Christ. Well, I fear that has happened and it has happened quietly and slowly and in the worst way possible and maybe it has been happening for quite some time. I’m burned out. I’m tired. I’m almost emotionless. Numb, even. I study the Bible day in and day out. That’s what seminary is. But maybe I missed the point. We study about church, church politics, money, scripture, Baptist history, mission strategies, etc. We read book after book about Jesus and Paul and missionaries and pastors and Piper…it’s getting old. Why?

But I can’t blame it all on seminary. It all stems from a heart problem that I have continually refused to recognize and deal with before I came here. Pride caused that. I made myself numb. I don’t know Jesus. I don’t trust Jesus. I don’t love Jesus like I thought I did. I know ABOUT Jesus. I trust what I hear ABOUT Jesus. I love what I know ABOUT Jesus. But my actual relationship is essentially non-existent. I feel like amongst all my bumper stickers on my car, I should have one that says, “Jesus was a cool guy.” This is HARD to admit, hard to accept, and even harder to share with everyone else. I tend to keep things quiet and to myself unless someone really seems interested in asking but I can’t keep this quiet any longer. I need a renewal or better yet, a surrendering. I’ve simply learned to be accommodating.

I was SO ready to go overseas with the IMB and serve as a missionary. Who was I kidding? God didn’t allow that to happen and now, looking back, I am forever grateful that God’s plans, wisdom, and knowledge are greater than mine ever will be. He knew I wasn’t ready, knew I wasn’t trusting Him. I trusted myself and everyone else except Him. I’m idolatrous. Everything else in my life will be put before God.

I was talking to a good friend of mine recently and we were discussing prayer. I became brutally honest with her and told her that prayer is usually my last resort instead of the thing I cling to first, especially when it comes to my own life. If I can’t fix it, then I’ll resort to God. And then if and when I decide to do that, I’m still doubtful if it will even help anything. That is so messed up. Idolatrous. Sinful. Human. Prideful. But when it comes to others, I’ll fervently pray for them with the greatest expectations that the Spirit will do something miraculous. Strange.

Update since I actually wrote this post:

I’m still fighting this internal battle but prayer is becoming richer, more consistent…time in the Word has increased and not just for the sake of telling someone I did it, ya know? I’m still struggling with the whole idea of surrender. It means giving up control, control that I may or may not even have right now but it’s nice to think that I do. I feel that once my stubbornness is diminished and I relinquish control, these other things will fall into place. We’ll see. There is so much I don’t understand and one of those things is that I don’t have to understand everything. Ironic.

I know most of this might seem like jibberish and may not flow or make any sense but I was just typing as the thoughts came to my head. That was the only way I could write this. It may not seem like a big deal, but to me, this is everything right now. An eternal relationship is a big deal, a sweet surrendering is a big deal, prayer and belief in that prayer is a big deal, not just going through the motions is a big deal…

If you’re someone who believes in the power of prayer, then I’m asking for yours.

"Few souls understand what God would accomplish in them if they were to abandon themselves unreservedly to Him and if they were to allow His grace to mould them accordingly." -Ignatius