Surrender.

I have battled with posting this for quite a while now (almost 2 months). But then I realized I just need to do it…for myself, for anyone else who happens to stumble upon it, etc. I get frustrated when I feel like people aren’t being honest with me and when I feel like people can’t tell me things so here goes. Here’s my attempt at being open and honest.

I’m tired. I’m so tired. I don’t have anything to complain about, really. Life is good. Actually, life is amazing. I’m not needing or wanting for anything, I have two/three jobs, school is paid for, I have clothes, a car, a place to live, friends and family who encourage me and spend time with me, an awesome church to be involved in…I seem to have it all together, right? I have everything I could ever want or need. That could be the problem. Sacrifice.

Last semester, I didn’t really want to be here. Well, I did but I couldn’t get used to the idea of living here. Also, I didn’t know or understand why I was here…(maybe I still don’t). It was a big change that I had to adjust to. It was my first move away from home so that was just intimidating. I’m used to it now. More than that, I love it here. Of course I miss some folks in G’ville and I still love G’ville but I’m here and this is where I want to be now.

Seminary is hard. When I make that statement, I don’t necessarily mean the academic part of seminary is hard. It’s the balancing of life and relationships with seminary academics that is hard. A dear friend of mine from G’ville warned me about this before I moved here. She said to be sure not to let academics get in the way of my real relationship with Christ. Well, I fear that has happened and it has happened quietly and slowly and in the worst way possible and maybe it has been happening for quite some time. I’m burned out. I’m tired. I’m almost emotionless. Numb, even. I study the Bible day in and day out. That’s what seminary is. But maybe I missed the point. We study about church, church politics, money, scripture, Baptist history, mission strategies, etc. We read book after book about Jesus and Paul and missionaries and pastors and Piper…it’s getting old. Why?

But I can’t blame it all on seminary. It all stems from a heart problem that I have continually refused to recognize and deal with before I came here. Pride caused that. I made myself numb. I don’t know Jesus. I don’t trust Jesus. I don’t love Jesus like I thought I did. I know ABOUT Jesus. I trust what I hear ABOUT Jesus. I love what I know ABOUT Jesus. But my actual relationship is essentially non-existent. I feel like amongst all my bumper stickers on my car, I should have one that says, “Jesus was a cool guy.” This is HARD to admit, hard to accept, and even harder to share with everyone else. I tend to keep things quiet and to myself unless someone really seems interested in asking but I can’t keep this quiet any longer. I need a renewal or better yet, a surrendering. I’ve simply learned to be accommodating.

I was SO ready to go overseas with the IMB and serve as a missionary. Who was I kidding? God didn’t allow that to happen and now, looking back, I am forever grateful that God’s plans, wisdom, and knowledge are greater than mine ever will be. He knew I wasn’t ready, knew I wasn’t trusting Him. I trusted myself and everyone else except Him. I’m idolatrous. Everything else in my life will be put before God.

I was talking to a good friend of mine recently and we were discussing prayer. I became brutally honest with her and told her that prayer is usually my last resort instead of the thing I cling to first, especially when it comes to my own life. If I can’t fix it, then I’ll resort to God. And then if and when I decide to do that, I’m still doubtful if it will even help anything. That is so messed up. Idolatrous. Sinful. Human. Prideful. But when it comes to others, I’ll fervently pray for them with the greatest expectations that the Spirit will do something miraculous. Strange.

Update since I actually wrote this post:

I’m still fighting this internal battle but prayer is becoming richer, more consistent…time in the Word has increased and not just for the sake of telling someone I did it, ya know? I’m still struggling with the whole idea of surrender. It means giving up control, control that I may or may not even have right now but it’s nice to think that I do. I feel that once my stubbornness is diminished and I relinquish control, these other things will fall into place. We’ll see. There is so much I don’t understand and one of those things is that I don’t have to understand everything. Ironic.

I know most of this might seem like jibberish and may not flow or make any sense but I was just typing as the thoughts came to my head. That was the only way I could write this. It may not seem like a big deal, but to me, this is everything right now. An eternal relationship is a big deal, a sweet surrendering is a big deal, prayer and belief in that prayer is a big deal, not just going through the motions is a big deal…

If you’re someone who believes in the power of prayer, then I’m asking for yours.

"Few souls understand what God would accomplish in them if they were to abandon themselves unreservedly to Him and if they were to allow His grace to mould them accordingly." -Ignatius

Homeless and Heartbroken

A recent entry in my written journal I wanted to share:

So, I'm leaving in 8 hours (5am) to go to New Orleans on a mission trip with my church's youth group. I guess I'm a chaperone...if you could call me that. As I was thinking about all the people I might come in contact with and what I could possibly say to them, I was waiting on my clothes to dry. I was packing my bathroom bag. I was trying to find matching sheets to take to make my bed in the dorm I'll be staying in for a week. I was making a list of things I might need to pick-up last minute at Wal-Mart. I was texting my mom asking her to put some money in my bank account in case I might need something and to pay for meals on the way down to New Orleans and back. I was making sure I had some laundry detergent and quarters to wash clothes if mine got too nasty. I was trying my best to cram all my crap into my suitcase. 

Really? Wow. How spoiled and ungrateful am I? We were packing gallon-sized ZipLoc bags to pass out to the homeless of New Orleans and each one contained these items: toothbrush, toothpaste, washcloth, soap, deodorant, vienna sausages, crackers, and a bottle of water. That's it. That's all they are going to get. And those are life necessities. I have so much STUFF. My family has so much stuff. Two houses, four cars, a boat, a timeshare, retirement funds, stocks, insurance, etc, etc...Why? I know some people just have better luck than others but why us? Why my parents? Why can I just ask my mom for $100 for crap I might or might not need and some people won't see $100 in their life? I don't like to think that I'm selfish but maybe I am. Maybe I can give more. No, I KNOW I can give more. That's no question. The real question is: Will I do it? I'm hoping this week will be the final nudge to push me over the edge; to knock me down onto my face. 

Will I do it?

"I Hope You Had The Time Of Your Life..."

So, it's graduation day...from college. Whoa. It really hasn't sunk in yet. I think it started to tonight when I was watching a video that Britnie made for Brett. It hit me. It's over. It's really over. I have decisions to make. BIG decisions. I said I wasn't going to cry today. I'm not surethat will happen anymore. Anyway, I'm so thankful for these last four years. Some days, it seemed like this day would never come...other times, I look back and think these four years have gone by so fast. Too fast.  I wanted them to hurry up. Now I want them to slow back down. I look back and see things I should have done (and things I shouldn't have), things I should have said (and things I shouldn't have), people I should have talked to and hung out with. But I don't want to look back with regrets. I want to look back with joy and laughter and know I was where I was supposed to be in this time of my life. 

As much as I complain about NGU, I'm thankful for this school. Who knows where I would be, what I would be like, what kind of friends I would have if it weren't for NGU. I used to think that maybe I sometimes missed out on the "real college experience" because I went to a goody-goody Christian school. But now I look back and think, at least I can remember all my memories and I didn't wake up in some random place with no recollection of how I got there or the night before. Anyway, it's late. Or early. I'm not thinking clearly. I'm just rambling. 

I want to do Journeyman. I don't want to keep going to school anymore. It changes each day. Crap. I love America. I sometimes dislike America a whole bunch. Crap. I'm sitting here on Brett's futon and Britnie is here, too, reading this supposedly awesome book called, "In A Pit With A Lion On A Snowy Day." I realize this won't happen many more times after this. But it's not all bad. I have a chance to do something great. WIth nothing. Nothing that I have. Nothing that I can do. Only what God will have me to do...for Him. I'm starting to think seminary is not part of that plan right now. I'm starting to think America is not of that plan right now. But comfort. It's all comfort. Security blankets. They're great...when you're young and when you don't have great opportunities. I'm trying to convince myself, do you see?

Oh it's late. I have lots more to say...but no more energy. Sorry. 

Take This Personality Profile Quiz Thing...

http://test.personality-project.org/

Here are my scores (if you are interested)

http://test.personality-project.org/survey/yourscores.php?G=2&Y=21&A=5.7&O=4&E=4.1&S=3.1&C=4&M=0

Love you.

Ridiculous

Warning: This is a blog about ME. (selfishness to the max) I just needed to write.

So, it has been a ridiculously long time since I've written a blog. I guess I feel if nothing drastic or major is happening, I don't need to write because who is going to care? Well, oh well. I wanted to write a new one. I guess a lot of stuff has happened since the last post. My feelings about LOVE have not changed. In fact, they have grown and I wish "LOVE" could be a major in college or grad school.

I've helped lead two Disciple-Now weekends, went to a "LIVE LOVE" conference hosted by StudentLife that was absolutely amazing, went on a college retreat with incredibly incredible people, and today, sent off my first application for scholarships to grad school-Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary to be specific. Who knows what God will have me study if I go there but I'm excited! (www.sebts.edu)

I have very mixed emotions and I won't blame them on being female. I'm just an incredibly emotional person. I cry at Extreme Makeover-Home Edition and I cry when I laugh too hard. I think that's a good thing. I have self-diagnosed myself with "SAD"-Seasonal Affective Disorder. (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/seasonal-affective-disorder/DS00195) It makes sense with me. Although I love the cold weather (sometimes), winter is usually not my friend. Anyway, despite that, I'm just emotional. I cry when other people cry, I laugh when other people laugh, I hurt when others hurt, and I rejoice when others rejoice. So, what's wrong with that? Some people think it's mood swings like bi-polar or something but I just think it's so I can connect with others more easily or they can connect with me. Is that weird? I'm just emotional...not dramatic. Emotional.

I think I'm changing a lot. I used to think that I was independent and didn't really need anybody but day after day I would prove myself wrong. I was really clingy, attached, and got upset when I thought people didn't want to hang out with me. I took things WAY too personally. Recently, that hasn't been such an issue. I really hope this stays like this. I mean, it's not completely gone away (my clinginess and attachment issues and stuff) I know I need people but I don't want to fully depend on them...because I know I can't. There's only One who I can depend on and I'm truly hoping and praying that this is His way of helping me realize and accept this truth. If I do move somewhere where I don't know anyone, I'll need all of Him that I can get.

Graduation is in 37 days. Whoa. Speaking of mixed emotions, I'm ecstatic and sad. I'll miss not having as many responsibilities and being able to take random road trips and late night at Denny's and hanging out and talking to Jenny and other friends. I'll miss my friends...alot. Especially the ones that are going off and gettin' hitched. That'll be completely different. I know their spouses and they are super awesome but everything is definitely going to be MUCH different. And I'm not that big of a fan of change. Oh well. It's inevitable.

According to the folks that went on the college retreat (and myself), I have 37 days to find the love of my life, a job, and a place to live. Yup. 37. That's 888 hours. That's 53,280 minutes. That's 3,196,800 seconds.

I better get going.

love

LOVE
noun, verb, loved, lov⋅ing.
–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13. Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.
–verb (used with object)
15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
20. to have sexual intercourse with.
–verb (used without object)
21. to have love or affection for another person; be in love.
—Verb phrase
22. love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets.
—Idioms
23. for love,
a. out of affection or liking; for pleasure.
b. without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of the poor for love.
24. for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For the love of mercy, stop that noise.
25. in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: a youth always in love.
26. in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of: in love with the girl next door; in love with one's work.
27. make love,
a. to embrace and kiss as lovers.
b. to engage in sexual activity.
28. no love lost, dislike; animosity: There was no love lost between the two brothers.
__________________________________

I used to think "love" was something that came so easily to me. I love "love." Especially unconditional love. It is the one thing that can always make me happy, no matter what. Love seems to have healing powers like nothing else. But recently, due to some "self-realization time" and also trying to see others around me for what they really are, love is hard. Just plain hard. Love scares me. Love makes me excited. Love hurts me. It is crazy how one thing, one word, one emotion, one feeling can do all that and more. "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Do you really believe that? Do you think that the heartache that could possibly last a lifetime is worth it for a couple of years of love? I'm actually still struggling with what I think about this. I don't want to be one of those bitter-towards-love people because I really do believe "love covers a multitude of sins." Although some people are of course easier to love than others, we are supposed to love everyone. We don't necessarily have to love them all in the same way. There's romantic love, friendship love, family love, etc...

Do me a favor. If you love someone, tell them. Show them. Remind them. It's one of the worst feelings in the world to not hear that you are loved, not be shown love, or to not feel loved.

My mind is going crazy right now. I'll write more later.

Yes, it's controversial

Ok. I finally have some inspiration for a new blog. I'm a little excited. Some people may not like this blog or the ideas that I have shared in it but this is what it is. Here goes...

So, I don't have a problem with drinking...in moderation. I don't agree with "getting wasted" and I also don't think it's right to drink in front of or around people who struggle with alcohol and/or substance abuse. That's just asking for trouble. Anyway, I don't have a problem with having a drink or two every now and then. I do, however, have a problem when parents let their underage children (or children of age for that matter) have a wild and crazy party where everyone gets totally trashed and makes lots of stupid decisions. I also have a problem when most of the pictures I see of these parties on Facebook have the "mother" in the pictures getting just as wasted with the kids. Really? Is that really the example you want to set for your children? Do you want your kids to die before the age of 25 because of alcohol poisoning, drug overdose, car accident, etc? I really don't even know how to express my anger towards stuff like this. It's just plain stupid.

Whatever. It really saddens my heart to know that there are thousands of people out there who so desperately want to be parents and raise their children in a way that is glorifying to God and keep them as safe as possible until they are out on their own and then there are people like "this" who don't care what their kids do, who they hang out with, what they're putting into their bodies, and how they portray themselves. It's just sad.

I don't know what else to say. Dumb. It's just dumb.